The Office Season 10 Episode 1: Return of the Office
Season 10 Episode 1
Return of the Office
The cold air greeted the old camera crew as they stepped into Scranton Business Park once again. They stared up at the building they’d become so accustomed to as they filed out of the van. Many years had passed since they’d last seen the familiar edifice but now they were back for a “Where are they now?” segment. They’d come to see how Dunder Mifflin had fared in an increasingly paperless world. They entered the little lobby and greeted Hank. The old security guard was in the same place they’d seen him last, but the years had definitely taken their toll. He sat slumped against the wall and merely grunted in reply to their concerned greetings. They exchanged worried looks but scurried past the old man and loaded into the elevator. “Excited to see anyone in particular?” Dustin, the new cameraman, broke the silence in the elevator. Brian and Martin shifted uncomfortably in the small space, remembering Brian’s incident with Pam. “Barely anyone from the documentary still works here,” Martin responded after a moment. “Yea, I don’t think we know anyone but Dwight,” Brian confirmed, staring at the floor. The elevator opened, saving the crew from anymore awkward conversation. Dustin could see he’d struck a cord and busied himself with filming the hall and Dunder Mifflin’s door. Brian readied the boom mic as Martin prepared to deliver the first line of their film. “We are here at Dunder Mifflin Paper Company’s Scranton office after many years. We should see some of the old faces we grew to love, and some new faces we’re excited to meet. Last time we were here, Dwight Schrute had finally achieved the position of Regional Manager, a position he still holds. Let’s find out how he’s held up in an increasingly digital world.” They did a few more takes of this and prepared to enter the office. Inside, they saw an empty reception desk. Instead of a sweet receptionist, a monitor faced them, a small camera perched atop it, trained on them carefully. The blinking red light told them they were being recorded and they moved forward warily. They didn’t notice the small intercom sitting beside the monitor until it crackled to life and Dwight's image suddenly appeared on the screen. “I've acknowledged your arrival and shall be with you shortly.” The pre recorded version of Dwight told them. Martin couldn’t help but smile and nudged Dustin, asking if he had ‘gotten that’. Dustin nodded, now recording everything. The time had come to become invisible. They stepped closer to the reception desk, noticing the sales crew diligently at work. None of them looked up from their work. None acknowledged their presence. None but one. “Hey guys! Missed me?” An older red-headed woman had leapt up from her seat at the sight of them, she waved at them enthusiastically before sitting back down. Brian and Martin waved at Meredith and smiled as Dwight stepped out of his office with an air of importance. “Good Afternoon, I hope your wait wasn't too long. I was just finishing up a telephone conference with a client.” He gestured for them to step into his office. They started setting up their equipment for a brief seated interview. “Brian! Your back?!” Dwight exclaimed at the sight of him. Brian simply nodded as Martin asked Dwight expectantly, “Shall we?” “Yes, of course.” He sat in the big arm chair behind the desk. The camera quickly surveyed the room, catching sight of several weapons and relics hanging on the walls. “So Dwight, tell us, how have things been since we last saw you,” Martin started. “Well, this has been our most profitable year yet. I have turned this branch into the highest producing branch Dunder Mifflin has ever had. I’ve trimmed the fat of all departments. Except sales. Let me show you,” He suddenly stood and started leading them around the building. Their first stop was reception. “I replaced the human receptionist with a virtual one, a security camera and an intercom. The virtual receptionist answers all calls in a timely manner and you can choose your department via your dial pad making a real life receptionist obsolete. For clients who come in physically, the camera and intercom have been working just fine. I can be a receptionist from anywhere on the planet.” Striding past them, towards the back, he stopped next to three empty accountant desks. “After firing Kevin, Angela’s other pregnancies and Oscar running for office, I just outsourced all accountant work to India. They do the work of three employees in half the time at only a third of the cost.” He took them into the annex next. “Who needs customer service? If all of the work is done correctly, there will be no room for complaints.” Pulling out his phone, he held it up and continued, “So I moved Pete to sales and forwarded all customer service calls to my cell phone. I use these complaints to root out any weak links in my regime.” He didn’t stop at H.R simply stating, “HR is not important.” The camera crew followed him down to the warehouse next. Perched on the stairs, they surveyed the warehouse working diligently. “While Michael spent his time trying to befriend the warehouse staff, I oversee daily operations directly," he suddenly turned and yelled down to the workers below, “ATTENTION!!!” The warehouse employees stood at attention like soldiers attending their commanding officer. “I spent my time implementing discipline and demanding respect.” The employees saluted Dwight with a hand gesture Brian recognized from Battlestar Galactica. Dwight smiled smugly and led them back up the steps. They were now going down another familiar hallway. Dwight stopped next to a door awkwardly set between two bathroom doors. “Remember the Michael Scott Paper Company?” Tacked onto the door, a piece of paper read, SCHRUTE AMMO DEPOT. Opening the door, he revealed a room full of ammo. Dwight's cousin Mose sat inside making bullets, the dim lighting swinging above him eerily. “I converted it to the Schrute Ammo Depot. We specialize in supplying the local gun ranges with paper targets. This is very profitable for us due to how inexpensive paper is for me.” He turned, calling to his cousin. “Go home now, Mose.” Dwight’s strange cousin stood suddenly and ran past the crew with his arms stiffly at his sides. Martin and Brian remembered the strange cousin, but Dustin stared after him, perplexed. In the parking lot, Dwight stood in front of his shiny new car. “The spoils of war.” He gave another smug smile and walked briskly back into the building and they all piled back into the elevator. Dwight began to speak to the camera suddenly and Dustin followed his every move. “My predecessor Michael, taught me the fundamental business strategy that is a conference room meeting, however, my meetings are informative and far more superior. I’ve discovered that with a little structure and functionality, my subordinates responded positively to the weekly meetings." The elevator doors opened and they proceeded to the conference room. Dwight stopped at the door and looked at the camera, “Last but not least,” he turned to the bullpen and called out authoritatively, ”SALES TEAM, CONFERENCE ROOM! Ten Seconds!” The sales staff jumped to attention and filed into the conference room. Dwight and the crew followed them in. He stood at the head of the room and said, “Roll Call.” Every sales person proceeded to identify themselves and name their largest clients. Martin and Brian couldn’t help but be impressed. “He’s running quite a tight ship, huh.” Martin whispered into Brian’s ear as they followed Dwight back to his office. “Dwight, I noticed Vikram in there, wasn’t he briefly part of Michael Scott's Paper Company.” “Yes, actually, I hired Vikram on Michael’s recommendation. He quickly rose up the ranks and became our lead salesperson, a title I held for over 20 years, his tenacity and ability to close sales quickly, has made him a force to be reckoned with.” “Wow, that's great, so we're going to get a couple more interviews if you don’t mind. Thanks for showing us around, you did great today,” Dwight thanked them and they proceeded to set up their equipment in the conference room. They started the interviews with Meredith. “So Meredith, you’ve been here a long time, served under a few different managers, how would you say it is, working for Dwight” “Yea, Dwight's cool as long as you do your job, but you guys sure have filled out nicely. I run my own escort service now if you guys need some extra cash. Eh, eh?” Her eyebrows waggled up and down salaciously, and the crew had to stifle their laughter, “Well anyway, it started off with just Jakey, and then I started handling his friends and girls so I decided to make it a business, and business... is good.” Next came Pete and Clark. “Dwight's the best,” Pete said nervously, looking around. “Especially when your sales are up. He's not so cool when you have a bad week,” Clark told them, giving Pete a pointed look. Pete looked embarrassed. He leaned forward and told them in a hushed tone, “He’s already threatened to fire me twice this week. I've been hanging by a thread ever since he took over customer service and moved me to sales.” They moved to Vikram after their interview with Pete and Clark was over. “Vikram you left Michael Scott Paper Company almost immediately. What's Dwight been like?” “Dwight is an admirable professional whose vast knowledge of paper and it's business is unsurpassed by no one. He has taught me the ways of the paper salesman, although the constant threats to one's job can be quite traum….” There was a scream in the bullpen and they all turned their heads to see what had caused it. Hank had just entered the office. He looked worse than before. He was dragging his feet and moaning in a low, guttural way that sent shivers down their spines. “UUuuuunnnghhhh..” Clark walked towards Hank concerned. “Hank? Are you ok? You don't look so good buddy.” “NOBODY TOUCH HIM!” Dwight screamed hysterically from the door of his office. Clark didn’t listen. He walked up to Hank, placing a hand on his shoulder. He turned, looking at his boss. “Come on Dwight, it’s Hank.” He told him reproachfully.” “He’s has something.” “Hey that’s--” Hank suddenly buried his face into Clark's neck and bit into the tender flesh savagely. He clawed at the skin as if trying to peel it back. Clark emitted an ear-splitting scream. “Hank what the hell-- AAaahhhhhhhhh NOOOOOOOO!!!” “I knew it,” Dwight yelled amidst the chaos. He jumped into action immediately. With a running leap, he was on his old desk clump, reaching into the ceiling tiles. He pulled out his old friend, the Chinese sword he’d kept hidden there for years. With intense force, he swung the sword with precision and accuracy splitting Hank’s head in two. Several people screamed. One of the sales women fainted. But Dwight wasn’t done. Clark lay on the floor, blood gurgling from his mouth. In another swift movement, Dwight brought the sword down hard, impaling Clark through his left eye sickeningly. The sound of the squelching pop as the old sword eviscerating Clark’s eye ball and brains somehow echoed through room frighteningly. Maybe it was shock, the camera crew was certainly stock still, unsure of what to do. But the room was soon filled angry screams and terrified sobbing.
“DWIGHT, NOOO!!!” “OMG YOU JUST KILLED THEM!!’ “WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!”
To be continued…
Written by Zeke Schrute