Sometimes the bad must die for the good to grow.
The following is a mix of truth and fantasy. You'll know when truth fades to fantasy. I'm clearly venting, also, through words, so please let me know if I should remove this or post it elsewhere:) Also- I'm not an expert writer or anything, don't expect anything incredible!
"Sometimes the bad must die for the good to grow."
The Past: It was an ordinary day, except that it was one of my last days in my country. The world-travel adventure was beginning, and I was finishing up everything I needed to. Hectic as it was, the day came to a close, and a couple friends- a gay married couple- came over to hangout one last time.
All was well between the people. Laughs, smiles, and jokes filled the air of the long term friendships. The night was coming to a close, and I had to drive 45 minutes downtown the next morning for a final business deal. One of the friend's suggests a fantastic idea: Why not hangout at his place? We would all be able to hangout later, and I'd be closer to my meeting!
It sounded fantastic. I left. We hung out. We celebrated. All was good. I went to bed.
I awoke to a strange feeling between my legs at 3 AM. Slightly hungover, extremely tired, and in the weird state between consciousness and unconsciousness, I slipped back into a dream..
Until it happened again. I rolled over. Suddenly the feeling adapted, as if it were alive! My heart raced, and my body went completely numb. I was paralyzed. I felt the sensation again, invading and repulsive, yet too paralyzed to scream, to escape.
I rolled over again, and adjusted my sleep mask as I did so, pretending to be asleep. That's when I saw him, my "friend" of many years- since I was a little child! He was on his knees, unable to see that I was watching him between the gap in my sleep mask. His hand was lifted up, and his eyes darted to make sure his husband was asleep, and that I too was gone.
The sensations began again. This time on my butt, underneath my underwear. My heart pounded so loud I could feel it in my body- I was surprised he too could not feel it. Paralyzed, unable to scream, I move slightly again, pretending to be asleep yet close to awake. The feelings stop, he does not want to be caught! Yet soon again it begins, once he thinks I am sleeping again.
I had to do something. I could not move. I could not breath. I could not fight- I was recovering from a severe injury, and it would take but only a couple hits for me to be completely submissive. I do what I can: I roll, pretending to be asleep and moving. I roll off the couch onto him, and instantly pretend to wake up.
"Huh?" I stutter, pretending to be just waking. "What are you doing here," I dare ask. He picks up a tool and says he was picking something up besides the couch. He gets up, goes to the kitchen, while I stand up and make my way to my backpack which is carrying my phone.
"You almost killed me," he said, jokingly. He spoke so smoothly, like when we were hanging out not even 5 hours earlier. I pretended to be tired, yet in reality my heart was pounding; I was afraid for my life. He grabbed some things behind the kitchen, and I snuck my phone into my pocket as I stumbled into the bathroom.
My service was dead- I was leaving the country soon! I could not call the police, nor my parents. I froze, staring at myself, unable to think. I forced the words "I AM VIKING" into my head and splashed cold water on my face. "I AM VIKING I AM VIKING I AM VIKING" brought comfort and direction in an uncertain situation.
I opened Snapchat, and messaged all of my friends in other parts of the world hoping they would be up. I copied and pasted the same message to everyone I knew. I exited the bathroom, not knowing what to do. He was still in the kitchen, and in his eyes was the most disgusting and creepy look ever.
I stumbled by the couch and grabbed my things, hoping that someone received my message, and someone would call me. He approached closer, and I could feel that he was blocking me.
RING RING RING RING RING
My Skype went off! "Ermm… Hello?" I answered. "M115 the meeting was moved up! So sorry to call you late- listen, we need to talk, NOW." I walked slowly to the door, and exited. When she could hear I was out, she stopped. "What is happening? What do I need to say??" I stuttered, in pure fear the truth, and then regained my composure remembering my backpack- and all business-related items- were still inside!
"I need you to say we're meeting Gary Vaynerchuck for a huge opportunity. You need to sound urgent. I mentioned N617 earlier. Say you need me to meet you and N617 earlier at T35P3. Say that you have my suit ready and the meeting starts at 0500. Okay?"
"Okay, we got this."
I walked back in and he was gone. I talked loud, yet pretending to be quiet. I made sure the phone was all the way up- I could just feel that if I tried to escape without a plausible excuse, something very bad would happened. I was in no physical fighting shape; he was almost a foot taller than me.
I saw the husband, J4K3, and he pondered where I was going. His husband- the creeper- was on the other side of the bed, likely stalling in awoken shame at what he had tried. The husband asked if I wanted a "quick blowjob" before I left, grabbing my hand. He was a joker, so I assumed he was joking and quickly said no and got out.
I drove around, with nowhere to be, and in no driving shape. I went home and skipped the real meeting. My father asked why, and I said that it was cancelled. I took a shower, and only after stepping out of the shower did I realize what had happened. Tears poured out and I collapsed like I never had before. I cried less losing a family member!
I cried for no apparent reason, and told my father to come up. I explained everything to him, and then entered a psychotic state. I curled up and murmured and cried and screamed. Suddenly I understood why gays were meant to be hated- they were rapists! I begged for God to murder him, and had he stopped by I'm sure I would've.
Mother came home as soon as she had heard, and I explained what happened to her a second time as painful as it was. The story changed not, and disbelief was apparent. They were family friends of years- perhaps decades!
It took many more hours before I got a grip on reality again- I also had slept perhaps only a couple hours, not to mention the stupid drink or two I had. I finished the last day in my country, sometimes full of rage, and sometimes like a zombie, and even rarer with the smile I had wanted.
I wanted to destroy his life. I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison, then to be killed. I hated ruining friendships between the family, and all of the collateral that came with it. Suddenly I understood why these things became so hard- perhaps in silence things on the suffer can seem so much nicer.
I never pressed charges. I worked for over a year on my business, and it was supposed to be my time to enjoy life; to travel the world; to explore! Anyways, I had much to do, and could not spend my last day with the cops lest I miss my flight.
Present Day: The most of recent days has been enjoyable. My new city has been treating me more than right, with the locals so friendly and accommodating! I biked, walked, and explored, and already was hanging with friends on my 3rd day!
I finish my work for the day, and sit down. I can feel it- the sensations, again, except I look down and it's not there. I'm not being touched. No one is here in my studio apartment. The feeling is though- and in most recent days, it was not here.
Sometimes the feeling creeps up on me: the shame, guilt, anger, depression- imagine every negative feeling manifesting at once, for no explainable reason! I lay down, hoping to drift into sleep, yet too awake to do so. My heart rate rises and fists tighten, and I feel it is time to distract myself.
I walk outside, and it should be an intoxicating day. It had been a long time since I smelled the rain, and enjoyed cool weather. My bicycle is locked in its usual spot, so I unchain it and hop on. The city despite being wet and cold is filled with beautiful people.
Stopping at a red light, I notice a man crawling up next to me on his bike. "Are you M115?" "Yes, and who are you," I stumble in my new language. "No matter, I speak English. I've heard interesting things about you. Are you busy today?" "Not exactly, what's up?"
I am open to meeting people, having no experiences, and the man appears friendly. I follow him, and we bike through downtown and out. We bike for several kilometers, farther and farther from home. After almost an hour we arrive to a beautiful building just south of downtown.
We lock our bikes and he requests I wait outside. Uncertainty and anxiety fill the air. What this person is and how he knows me, I do not yet know. After a few minutes, he walks out with another man, in a bold blue suit. "Aha, so you're THE M115 aren't you?" He excitedly greets me, and immediately I feel warmed up and comfortable.
We walk inside and ride the elevator into a beautiful office! It is larger than my apartment, filled with books of all variety, technology, games, and more! "So M115, I hear you are a fantastic MKT627er." "I suppose," I reply. "And you are how old?" "I am ##," I answer, and I now wonder where he is going with this.
"For someone as young as you with your skills as a MKT627er, that is absolutely incredible. I need your fresh insight on something, and I'll make sure you're compensated very well for it."
"Sure, let me take a look."
He pulls up the 4DS and I examine the numbers. Something didn't seem right- the system was quite clearly not setup properly for efficient running, and so the best possible outcome can never be clearly defined. I make a few more annotations, examining very carefully the entire system for flaws.
"You are magnificent. So spectacular- an older guy like me could never see the 4DS with your unique perspective!" I thank him, and we begin talking about other things in life. Not long after working, we are conversing as if we had known each other for years!
We talk about girls, friends, self-improvement, travel, adventure, and then the conversation turns dark. He brings up some of his intense life experiences which has forever changed his life. I listen, with no thoughts or distractions in my mind. This guy's been through some shit.
"No matter, it is all a part of the past now!" I agree, and he brings up compensation suddenly. I am startled that so quickly he spoke of his most fucked up life story, and now he speaks of money. Simply to be in this man's presence is compensation in and of itself, now that I realize who he is!
"Come with me." I follow, and suddenly we are silent. He opens a panel on the elevator below the normal buttons, with three buttons: "Prison, Laboratory, Cleanup," in that order. He slowly presses "Prison," and his breathing becomes deeper.
I say nothing, and I can feel the descent below the Earth. I am comfortable with this incredible man, yet I wonder what the hell these three buttons mean. The lights dim and anxiety yet again manifests. The doors open slower than normal, into a long, dimly lit hallway.
We walk slowly & silently, a feeling of tension in the air. He places his hand on a scanner, and then enters a 25 digit code. This place has serious fucking security, and I wonder why- and where- he's taking me down here.
This room is dark, and it feels large. I hear breathing, and the lights turn on. There are four security guards- one at each corner, and three chairs each with people in it with their face covered. One person sits alone, under a bright lamp. The other two sit 10 meters across, about 3 meters apart. Each person is tied thoroughly to the chair and has a black bag over their head.
"Do you remember that story I told you, M115?" "Yes." "Well you see, of all of the businesses I have started, I think this one is my favorite. Justice, simply the honorable word for revenge, has been all but lost in our politically correct society. Murderers, rapists, and other demons walk free in the light of corruption. Every business I've made has been to fulfill this vision: Retribution LLC."
My gaze strays from his green eyes to those in the chair. The feeling returns. A knowing expresses itself deeply in me. "Guards," the man shouts! All four guards walk towards the chairs, and each guard removes the bag on the face. The fourth guard takes out a needle, and injects each of the unconscious demons. They all wake up.
A fifth guard comes out from from the door across from the door we entered. He is rolling a table filled with tools of all shapes and sizes and uses. My mind races and I feel anxious.
The man places a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Fear not, M115. This is your compensation, your retribution." I relax, and see that the person alone is the one who touched me. The person sitting across from him is the husband- who defended him so admirably after the situation- and sitting next to him is another defender of the monster that touched me.
"You have 29 minutes. You can kill them, or leave them for future experimentation. You can walk out, or you can talk it out. You can let them go, or you can enslave them forever. This is your world M115, and men as bright as you should not feel defeated in the presence of monsters. You need to do what is best for you."
The guards all walk out, and the man asks if he should leave too. I glance at the first demon- alone, his eyes are filled with fear. He's exhausted and the adrenaline has awoken him. He looks at me and starts tearing up. I tell the man with the green eyes that he can stay, if he so chooses. He stays.
I walk over to the demon that touched me, and asked him why he did it. "I didn't do it," he said. "LIAR!" I punch him in the face and let loose. Two, three, five, eight, I lose count. As I calm down I look at my fingers and they are filled with blood- not just the demons, but even my own. Bruises already begin forming on my knuckles, yet the pain feels so good.
"I'm sorry," he mutters. "FOR WHAT," I scream, as I put my hand to his neck and apply light pressure. "I was under the influence, and just curious!" He pleas and pleas, and I look him in the eye for a few seconds. Deep down, I can sense that he's a monster- a demon- and that it is only for his survival that he will plea. "Bullshit." I slowly walk over to the tools, and find a super sharp knife.
I begin cutting, and the screams of terror feel so good. I allow the feeling HE PUT INSIDE OF ME to release back into him. I let go, and become fully present to the moment. I remember fully what he did to me- AND IT BEGAN WHILE I WAS ASLEEP! He falls unconscious from the stabbing.
I step back, and the man in the green eyes directs me to a needle. I inject the demon, and he wakes up. The screams begin again, and I just stand there. The feeling was almost gone. Finally I could rest again with no nightmares, and I could "leave it to the past" as the man in the green eyes put it.
"3 Minutes." Somehow 27 minutes had already passed. I was slow and meticulous in my retribution, and now it was time to make my decision: To leave him or to end him. "Why'd you do it?" I dare ask, begging for a truthful answer. He stutters, and struggles to move, in immense pain, "I was just curious… it's not my fault."
The last bits and pieces of the feeling entered me, but instead of beating him out easily I needed him to feel it, as he made me feel it. "It was your fault, you made this decision," I stated firmly. "SAY IT!" I scream loud. He knows now that he made this decision, and that he is a demon, and that there is no excuses for being a monster.
"I did it, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," he begins repeating the same two words "I'm sorry" over and over, much like how I stuttered after he touched me. He keeps saying it, and I bring the knife to his throat. He gets quieter. "SAY IT LOUDER," I yell.
He begins again, louder than ever, begging for forgiveness. I slit his throat slowly and watch as he fades into hell. He still attempts to say he's sorry, and I know that it's just a lie so he can continue doing to others what he did to me. His eyes burn up, and I can feel the warmth of hell emanating through the demon.
"1 Minute," the man in the green man states, nonchalantly looking at his watch. I pick up the gun, and look at the two defenders. They both sobbed, and looked at me. They knew that they could've done the right thing- and supported the truth and justice- but instead they defended the demon through the entire ordeal after. My life in my new country wasn't complete until this.
"15 seconds." I load the gun slowly, and without hesitation..
Two for two. The man in the green eyes looks at me, walks over, and lends a comforting hand. He brings some water, and I drink it. We say nothing, and instead we silently enjoy each other's company as we ride the elevator back up. Instead of feeling awkward in the silence, I can sense to both of us there's a warmth in the air.
The feeling is gone. Peace is restored.
He drives me back near my apartment, and I get off. We shake hands and I say "thank you." He nods, smiles, and hands me a business card. "Call me anytime, if you ever need anything." I smile and walk off.
My new girlfriend meets me 30 minutes later as planned, and she's driving to the mountain we will hike. "How was your business meeting today?" "Incredible." "I can tell, I've never felt so much peace from you ever before!" I kiss her, as we're at a red light, and I again look out the window. The trees are greener, the sky is bluer, and the sun is brighter. Sometimes, I realize, the bad must die for the good to grow….