I’m a SAR Officer for the US Forest Service, I have some stories to tell

I wasn't sure where else to post these stories, but I heard somewhere that this is the best place to farm low-effort karma. So here goes.


I have a pretty good track record for finding missing people. Most of the time they just get lost in the parking lot while looking for an open space. Getting lost in the forest is dumb though since we have fences and "Don't step on the delicate foliage please" signs everywhere. If you dared to step on the plants then you probably deserved to die to whatever spoopy shit happens to you in the forest. It's natural selection.

Anyway, here's the two times I didn't find a missing person right away. I'm going to mention a lot of other missing person cases but I’m just going to say two times right now for the sake of the nonexistent plot.

The first was a little boy who was out berry-picking with his family. He and his sister were together, and both of them went missing around the same time. Their parents lost sight of them for a few hours, and during that short instant both the kids apparently wandered off. We found the daughter pretty quickly, and I asked her about where her brother went.

"Oh, I wasn't really paying close attention because right about then I got a Snapchat from my crush. But he got taken away by this bear man, like he was all hairy and had a weird face."

"Woah this sounds pretty spooky and supernatural. Did the bear man have big feet?"

"Yeah, he had one of those high-end basketball shoes that look like what the 1960s would have thought astronaut ski boots would look like."

"Yeezy, so he's one of those fuccbois who own more than one pair of shoes. I don't respect that." I was determined then and there to track down Bigfoot and tell him that multiple pairs of shoes is a waste of money.

I began on an intense research project detailing the background of Bigfoot and why he might kidnap a berry-picking little boy. By spending two minutes on the internet I found the Twitter account of someone who posted a lot of pictures of shoes and was really into advertising their organic non-GMO naturally L-fuculokinase encoded berry startup. Their headquarters were right next door to our park, so I set up an appointment with the CEO and paid them a visit. But not after a few hours of staying on Twitter and getting lost in the Japanese artist communities. Those Japanese twitter artists are good.

Once I arrived at the startup's HQ, I waited in the conference room for a few minutes, admiring the modern interior design when the CEO came in.

"Hi, sorry to keep you waiting." The CEO was merely a young boy, and he fit the description that the parents had given me for their missing son.

"Hi, you must be-" I checked my notes for the missing person report- "Steven?"

"That's correct. Why did you want to see me again?"

"I'm from the US Forest Service and I got a call for a missing person. It would seem that you went berry picking not too long ago and didn't come back to your family."

"Oh, that. Yeah, the thing is, I'd always wanted my own startup after my Bitcoin investment turned out to be profitable. My family wasn't supportive of it so I ran off with someone who was interested in partnering with me to start this company. Here he is right now, actually."

A guy walked into the room, and I'm lazy with adjectives so just take my word for it when I say it was Bigfoot.

"Oh my god, it's Bigfoot!" I exclaimed.

He glared at me. "Yeah, oh my god, it's Tinydick. Shut the fuck up about it."

"Oh." I paused. "I didn't know you read EFC."

"Uh, I thought I told you to shut up. Security?"

"Hey, woah, you're really unnecessarily escalating this situation." I put my hands up defensively as some guards came out to take me away. "Sorry dude, but you don't have to kick me out." The word choice of "kick out" reminded me of why I came to see Bigfoot in the first place. "By the way your shoes are ugly."

"Alright, that's it. You can't just insult someone's shoes like that." He snapped his fingers and security dragged me out of the building. The guard on my left really needed a shower.

Anyway, yeah they took me out of the building and I left empty-handed. I heard the kid's startup is doing pretty well though. They're getting bought by Amazon or something.


Oh right, I said there'd be two stories in this. That's for part 2. Updoot this post or no update


Parody of this classic


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