I [16F] am apparently being raised by a [79F] narcissist and I need to leave
For starters, this isn't the first time I've sought out for advice on this problem of mine. I've posted of r/raisebynarcissists but I didn't actually think the description fit my grandmother so I just moved on. But after a post I made today it seems like a narcissist is a perfect title for my grandma, correct me if I'm wrong. I am also going to post this on some more related subreddits, as I am completely lost and slightly afraid, and could use all the help I can get. Anyways, I'm a 16 y/o sophomore and I'm looking to move out of my grandmother's house and live on my own. It hurts to say, but I don't really think I even love her anymore. However, our relationship is hurting us both and I don't want her to have a heart attack because of me and all the yelling she does so I need to leave. To give a bit of background. My maternal grandmother took me and my older siblings in (18F 21M) when we were very young. Our mother couldn't take care of us so, she did. And boy oh boy does she love reminding us of that. I'm not saying I'm not grateful. I honestly don't know where I'd be if she hadn't taken us in. Maybe i'd be better, or, maybe I'd be worse. My mom isn't great either, but who's mom is? I'd say she is the most understanding when it comes to my depression and someone like that is hard to come by. But since we were kids my grandmother has told us a lot of things about our parents. Some I'm sure were true, but most were absolute lies. She told me my mom was a drug addict, and a prostitute. My mom isn't a saint, but she is neither of those things. I don't understand why for so long she made me hate my mother. My big problem my my grandma is she didn't handle my depression well when the two were first introduced. I was bullied a lot in the six grade and I didn't know how to handle all these emotions so I just told the security guard that I wanted to kill myself. I'm sure there was some truth to that but, anyways, he sent me to the guidance counselor. After a rather uneventful conversation with her, she sent me home early. I told my grandma and poured my heart out to her about what was going on, and she told me to tell the guidance counselor that I was lying. She told me that they would take me away from her, and force feed me pills until I turned into some mindless zombie. See, she works with special needs people and she tends to compare me to her mentally challenged clients. Telling me "they" (I don't know who "they" is) would give me the same medication that they take. So I freaked out, told them I was lying, and kept my feelings bottled up for a very long time.
Throughout my battle with depression she would say things like the following:
"Oh, so you must not want to get better."
"Why don't you go live with your mom or dad if you hate me so much!"
"I don't know why you hate me!"
"I've tried my hardest to raise you!"
"What is wrong with you!?" (That one hurts the most)
Things she literally just said as I'm writing this:
"You don't understand depression!"
"I won't trouble you anymore."
"There's nothing in you but hate towards me!"
"I'm going to Virginia to live with my daughter!" (Always says that, has yet to do it)
"I'm getting out of your life since you want me to so badly!"
"No one will do things for you like I do."
" If someone shot me right now, it wouldn't hurt as much as you're hurting me."
"Someday you will realize how horrible you are."
"When did you start this vendetta against me!?"
"I swear to god when I'm dead, you'll regret this!"
"I swear to god I know what I'm talking about."
Things she has done:
Stolen money from me
Got credits cards in my mom's name and ruined her credit (Which I didn't believe until now)
Tells lies about me
Threatened to get rid of my therapist because she doesn't understand they are here for me and not her.
Cries in order to make me feel bad
Makes fun of me being for skinny and weak (Not as intense as it sounds, but she laughs when I struggle to do things like push furniture and tells me I can't do it).
Makes my sister cry from stress (A LOT), which really pisses me off
Laughs at me when I'm trying to be serious
Those are just some things… she's still talking by the way. Anyways, a few ups and downs, suicide attempts, helpful songs, and school changes later, and here I am. A little wiser and tougher, but a lot worse, sophomore.
I had a 3.8 GPA at the beginning of this school year, and now I'm certain I have a 2.0 or lower. Grades are very important to me, since I would like to go to college but she sucks the life out of me so much that I get anxiety, and I can't even leave the house. She tends to bring me to tears everyday and when I try to tell someone about it (my therapist or an adult at school) she comes of with a sob story to make herself look like an angel and me like an ungrateful monster. I'm all out of energy to defend myself so there's no point. One time, when I was 13, she sat and watched my cousin yell at me and call me ungrateful. Then she was even confused as to why I was angry with her. Two weeks ago I was fed up after all of these years of verbal and psychological abuse that I packed my bags and went to a crisis center. I'm really proud I went through with it because the entire time she was trying to guilt trip me into staying, she even called my dad to get me into trouble. But luckily I stood my ground, and left.
I got a tiny glimpse of what living on my own would be like. It was beautiful, I honestly haven't been more hopeful for my future than when I was away from my grandmother. The place I stayed at was specifically for teens with mental health ( I suffer from depression and social anxiety), honestly I can't stress enough how happy I was. I went out everyday, even on weekends. I went to bed at an appropriate time, I went to school, and I did some homework! I ate three very healthy meals a day and I got a part time job job paying $7.50 an hr and I get paid bimonthly. I can say with complete confidence that I wouldn't have had any motivation or discipline to do these things if I stayed with my grandmother. She says things like "School and work don't mix well together." or "Why are you trying to grow up so fast?" She also lays out my PJ's and makes me breakfast even when I tell her I want to do all that myself. I come out of the shower and BOOM! Breakfast. But I now believe it was just her trying to keep me dependent on her as much as possible. Just her presence makes me want to curl up into a ball and stay where I feel most safe, on my bed with my laptop, and unhealthy snacks beside me. But I couldn't stay at the heavenly crisis center forever. I didn't talk with the people much about where I would go after I left because I was always out going to school or looking for a job but they did say I'd have to leave after a week or so. Anyways, that doesn't really matter because I allowed my brother to convince me to live with my dad after three days of staying at the crisis center and I didn't even think about it long enough before I said yes. It's not my brother's fault. He was really trying to help and I should have given it more thought. I was just so angry with my grandmother that I was willing to jump into the arms of anyone.
But when I got to my dad's house the mood shifted. I was greeted with hugs and kisses from my paternal grandmother (not the one I left) we'll call her PG. And my uncles. But PG told me I was not going to see a therapist at all because they were all just white people trying to control me. My dad is getting better at accepting my depression, but he does have an unhealthy and strange hatred towards white people. He and my PG also think that all I needed was family and god and I'll be cured. My heart sank. I'm not even religious for Christ sake! I left a bad situation to enter into a possibly even worse situation. At the time, I had a pretty heavy bag full of stuff and I'm very skinny so I wouldn't be able to carry them all onto a bus. And there's no way my dad or brother would take me back to the crisis center. I've already got my heart and mind set on not living with any of my parents because in the end I think that would hurt me. so the only option I had left was to go back to my maternal grandmother. I was and still am really pissed at myself for moving so quickly without even thinking. Anyways now I'm in the same situation I was in before. My grandmother wouldn't leave me alone about how ungrateful I was. She actually called me cruel! I stayed up all night, barely ate, I missed more days of school, and I'm at risk of failing the 10th grade. I don't know if this is an overshare, but I tried to commit suicide last night. There were bunch of allergy pills on my nightstand that my grandmother gave me. I forgot what they were called since I threw away the box. I knew it was a long shot, but I took all 8 of them and went to bed in the hopes that I wouldn't wake up the next day.
I woke up, not exactly sure how I feel about that yet. But the only thing I feel is drowsiness, at least my nose is no longer stuffy. Anyways, I'm alive. And today was the last straw for me, I had to sit in a room with a judge because I missed so many days of school. It wouldn't have been so bad, the judge was cool and I luckily don't give off the appearance of a "bad kid" so he let me off and told me he wants to see me succeed. The terrible part, was that I had to sit there, and listen once again to my grandmother saying untrue things about me. Okay, I guess I didn't have to sit there, but I wasn't about to argue with my grandmother in front of a judge. She's very good a convincing people that she's an angel that took her grandchildren in and tried her hardest to raise them but they're all ungrateful. So I took it, while I wrote a reddit post about my need to escape. And now I have that same fire in me that I had when I was at the crisis center. I have no urge to end my life, only determination to get away from this woman. and eventually, most of my family.
I'm not trying to blame anyone, no one is holding a gun to my head and forcing me to stay home or be depressed. but there's something about this house that drains you once you've lived long enough in it. And I know leaving this place permanently to live on my own is the best thing for me. I've been told my other redditors not being a spoiled brat so that's incredible. And my mom and I seem to have parallel childhoods when it comes to how my grandma treated us. I can't even express how good it feels to know that I'm not crazy and she really is a bad person. I don't see myself having the kind of future I want while still living with my grandma or either of my parents.
So, to get to my question, how do I move out while still being able to provide for myself? I have a little over $40 dollars saved up and I get my first paycheck on Friday. I'm not looking to run away. I mean, I've thought about it but I'd leave too many good things behind and I want to be responsible about this. I don't have a car or a drivers license but I'm working on that. Hopefully I'll have one by the end of the summer. The shelter was great but like I said it was just a tiny glimpse of what living with myself will actually be like. I had no bills and I didn't have to buy my own groceries if I didn't want to. I could get emancipated but I don't know the logistics of that. I'll do my research. The school year ends this week so I'll have a whole summer to plan. I don't know if I want to get child protective services involved. For starters, I don't want my nana to weasel her way out and then tell all her friends that I'm so horrible I called the police on her. I also don't want any more bad blood between us if it doesn't work out. I especially don't want to be in the system, I just want to be able to provide for myself. My friend offered me her couch, but I haven't confirmed it with her mom so I can't rely on that and I'd also feel kinda gross mooching off of her. Could I live in a motel? Would I be allowed to stay there for the remainder of high school? If not, where else do I go? Should I hide anything from her? I think she might've stolen a $50 dollar check but I haven't confronted her about it. The only money I know she definitely stole from me was a $10 bill she says she used to buy groceries. What am I able to do at this age? Am I gonna need her to sign for stuff? She isn't my legal guardian but she is my emergency contact at my school. Do I need a lawyer? Can I get a lawyer? It's crazy to think she would do the horrible things that some redditors are suggesting but I wouldn't put it past her. I mean, she might've stolen $50 from me. Should I completely cut ties with her? Like I said, I don't think I can honestly say I love her anymore. But I remember some good stuff. And I feel bad because in the past I've ignored her, lashed out at her, and cursed at her. Any and all advice, words of wisdom, and general sweetness are more than welcome and are much appreciated. Sorry if this extremely long post seems aggressive or snarky, I'm just venting a little. tl;dr I'm 16 with a part time job and I need to move out of my narcissistic grandmother's apartment in order to get my life back on track.