most of the script of paul blart mall cop

Let's go! Move it! 50 more yards! All right, let's go! Pick it up! Let's go! Yes, sir! You're running out of time, Bryant! Make it all the way around the track! Come on! You want to be troopers? You better move it! All right, next, get up here! Let's hit it now. Dean, come on! All right. You've all completed the written exam. However, you must now pass the obstacle course to be admitted into the training program. And remember, survive this, and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe. Yeah. Sorry about the test, Dad. We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart. Mine is named hypoglycemia. Well, that's why you always have to have sugar nearby. Are you gonna have pie? Not tonight, Ma. I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie. You… No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now. Okay. You said it, and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now, and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go. It really helps heal. And, you know, not always, but sometimes, you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, "Whatever." Kids don't talk like that. Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay? I hear them in the mall. You know? Peanut butter. It just fills the cracks of the heart. Go away, pain. What? Paulie. Oh, no. Come on, Ma. I'm not ready for this right now. Dad. Please. We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone. But I'm not alone. I've got you two. You know? And besides, Black Friday's coming, so my dance card's gonna be pretty full. What? It's the busiest shopping day of the year. Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians. I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday's coming." "Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me Black Friday's coming. "Why do you think I've been walking around here "with the eyes of an eagle?" We prepare. Dad, what does all that have to do with being happy for the rest of your life? You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a girlfriend by November, "I'll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com." That was last year. Okay. Here we are. Okay. "What are you looking for in a woman?" Well, your mother certainly had something special. Yeah, illegal immigrant status. She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us. That's not entirely true. We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me. Well, I hate her. Well, you shouldn't. She gave me you. I am pretty great. You are. You are. Okay, next question. "Tell us about yourself." Let's see. I know a lot about sharks. Let me stop you right there. Well-built and a great hugger. Awesome, Grandma. Not as awesome as this. What are you doing? Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back. Ma, no. I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"? Well, that is exactly what we want. Eyes on the prize. And don't worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts. Dear God! Hey! Back away from the vehicle. Oh, dear God. Please. Chompers, get down! Hey, you know where a men's room is? I do. You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor. They got 12 stalls and heated seats. Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids! Okay, my lip is numb. All righty. There you go. Thank you. Hey. Yeah, I know. That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan. … he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board… He keeps the play alive. Paul! Hey. What is this? That's my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy's down through the specialty shops. How's that working out for you? Actually, it's for all of us. You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court, it's gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration. It's your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario. Can I ask you something? Anything. Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us? Safety never takes a holiday. Did your mom crochet that on a pillow? Blart. This is Sims. He's a new trainee. Let him trail you today. Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran. Wow. Veck Sims. Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let's mount up. Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff. That's it. Treat her gentle, son. Slap it, honor it. So what made you want to pursue security? I never finished high school. This is all I could get. Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself. Right now, I'm goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia. Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack. My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears. They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard. I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard. My uncle can. Stay snug. Now, in the event that you approach an assailant, here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up, left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly, giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know you don't. Okay? But you know what we do have? Our voices! We have our voices. If you remember one thing from today, it's this. The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster. Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch? Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time, five minutes to get refocused. We got a high roller. Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right. Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic. Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic. Sir. Thank you. Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir. You're kidding. I don't joke about shopper safety. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to issue you a citation. Gonna need your first and last. Last first. Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir. Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay? Are you able to… Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir. You're pushing it. Sir. Sir. I am warning… Sir. Sir. Sir. Sir. Okay. This is adding up, sir. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back. Hey. Hi. Do you need something? Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall. Well, thank you. Is there something else? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just looking for some hair extensions. Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men? Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men? Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan? I don't think so. Which one? Well, that one. That one right there. Yeah. That one, yes. That… You know, that one was me. Oh, wow. Are you okay? Oh, yeah. Never better. Although they're docking the paycheck pretty good. Yeah. You know what you should do? You should get the security tape, and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff. Hello, early retirement. Yeah, right? Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got. Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks. Who is this? It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5. What the hell are you bothering me for? Just a Code B check. What a moron. You know, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense. Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard. What, what? No, it's just that you said security guard, and it's perfectly acceptable… I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing. No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know? It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy brewing in the industry right now, whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer. I'm sure you heard about it. I didn't. You will. You're gonna. But I'm sure I will. It's out there. So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year? Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday. This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get a card. Everyone's too busy shopping. You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash. Yeah. I think that's your color. I think this'll work. It's a winner. So that's $9.95. $9.95? Yeah. Wow. At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Right. So there you go. Okay. And, there you go. Thank you, Amy. Thank you, Officer Blart. Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt. You went with a medium? It's a bit formfitting, but that's 'cause we're required to wear protective vests under our… No. Not buying it. No. 'Cause I don't see any vest underneath here, so… No, but it's a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear. Nope. Nope. No. I don't understand why you're laughing. I just called you fat. I'm not laughing. Yeah, whatever. Amy. Hey, everyone's going to American Joe's tonight, and I want to see you there. Okay? We're gonna split some onion strings. Wow. Wow. Good. Good hang. Wow, yeah. That's great. Hey, Blart, they need you at Victoria's Secret. Okay, roger that. Okay, I gotta go. Okay. Bye. I found it first. No, you didn't. Ladies. Problem. What's the genesis? She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size. There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon. Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight. Really? Is he blind? Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks. Not my first rodeo. Okay, ladies, need to see some ID. No, you don't. Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest. So does anyone. I could arrest you right now. That's true. She could. Hey, not talking to you. Okay? Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am? Look, I understand your sensitivity. I've had some issues with weight myself. Are you calling me fat? No. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying I've been down that road. I mean… I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded. Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right? But as soon as I started eating healthier, I noticed I wasn't so moody. And PS, your skin's gonna clear up. Can you hold onto these? Sure. Ma'am. You… She's got tremendous upper body strength. Backup! Backup! She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck. Backup! Backup! Backup! Look, I know you're new here and all, but "backup" seems like a pretty universal term. Hey. Can I give you a lift? What, on that? With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no, but with me, you'll be as safe as the President. I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired? Yes, it could. Okay. Is this all right? Absolutely. And here you go. Safe and sound. '65 Mustang. Yeah. Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse. It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang. That's a plane. I didn't know that. Well, thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun. No problem. Listen, if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere, Dispatch, they can get me. You know. Or we could just text each other. Yeah. Yeah, give me your cell phone. My cell? Yeah, and I'll punch my number in. Left it in the casuals. You know what? Just give me your number and I'll remember it. Okay. Ready? Yep. All right. 555… Not yet. Just… Now I'm ready. 555… 555… …01… …01… …78. – Eight. Got it. That's it. It's locked. Great, so I'll see you tonight at American Joe's, right? Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so… Yeah. …why not me, too? I'll be… Yeah, I'm there. Great. Bye. Okay. Bye. Hey. Hey! Hey. Glad you made it, Paul. Good to be here. Fun fact for you… This place sucks. You want to get out of here? No. I'm sorry, what were you saying? No, I was just saying that the first American Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972. And most people, because of its service and theme, think that it's derivative of Abe and Louie's, but it's not. It's its own thing. You really know a lot of facts, Paul. Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret. Well, I don't hit women, so I don't even know what… Yeah. Just minivans, right? Hey, why don't you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks? I'll meet you over there. Okay. Does anybody else want a drink? 'Cause Stuart's buying. No, no, no. They're good. They're good. So… They're good. Okay. Hey, listen, I… We're basically already together, so… I wasn't… I didn't even realize that. And I was… I wouldn't… Doing anything. Yeah. I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight. Okay? I got it. I mean, it's not like you really had a chance, okay? Security guard? Really. But you're a pen salesman, dude. Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me. All right, bro. Back off. You know, we're all just here having fun. Okay, bro. What? Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother. Security blood runs deep between… Yeah, let's just go. Round six. Let's do this thing. Gentlemen ready? No. Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay. And, go! Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew. I know. Told you, boy. You better hurry up. There you go. Nachos in my face. Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot. Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper. Nachos are good, man. Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone. You're lagging behind. Come on, Paul. Playing games. I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much. That lemonade is insane. Yeah, Paul. That's because it's a margarita. No. I don't drink. Twist it. Feel the nub. Hey, you want some? Here. Yeah. You want fruit? Bye! You blinked! You blinked. Time to pluck the grape from the vine. Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity. Coming on the left. False alarm. Told my mom everything about us. What are you talking about? You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural. You know. You so know. No, I'm sorry, Paul. I don't know. Snap. Pop goes the weasel. So happy! Yeah! Yeah! I believe in magic! No way! I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear. It's fine, Ma. Hey, Dad, why don't we check for matches? Yes. Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart. I think I'm just gonna turn in. Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up? I don't think so, Ma. It's fine. If something's gonna work, it would be the sloppy joe. But that would probably… You know. You know, if you're doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet potato fries. But it… W Oh, no. Come on, Ma. I'm not ready for this right now. Dad. Please. We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone. But I'm not alone. I've got you two. You know? And besides, Black Friday's coming, so my dance card's gonna be pretty full. What? It's the busiest shopping day of the year. Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians. I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday's coming." "Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me Black Friday's coming. "Why do you think I've been walking around here "with the eyes of an eagle?" We prepare. Dad, what does all that have to do with being happy for the rest of your life? You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a girlfriend by November, "I'll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com." That was last year. Okay. Here we are. Okay. "What are you looking for in a woman?" Well, your mother certainly had something special. Yeah, illegal immigrant status. She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us. That's not entirely true. We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me. Well, I hate her. Well, you shouldn't. She gave me you. I am pretty great. You are. You are. Okay, next question. "Tell us about yourself." Let's see. I know a lot about sharks. Let me stop you right there. Well-built and a great hugger. Awesome, Grandma. Not as awesome as this. What are you doing? Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back. Ma, no. I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"? Well, that is exactly what we want. Eyes on the prize. And don't worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts. Dear God! Hey! Back away from the vehicle. Oh, dear God. Please. Chompers, get down! Hey, you know where a men's room is? I do. You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor. They got 12 stalls and heated seats. Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids! Okay, my lip is numb. All righty. There you go. Thank you. Hey. Yeah, I know. That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan. … he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board… He keeps the play alive. Paul! Hey. What is this? That's my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy's down through the specialty shops. How's that working out for you? Actually, it's for all of us. You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court, it's gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration. It's your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario. Can I ask you something? Anything. Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us? Safety never takes a holiday. Did your mom crochet that on a pillow? Blart. This is Sims. He's a new trainee. Let him trail you today. Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran. Wow. Veck Sims. Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let's mount up. Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff. That's it. Treat her gentle, son. Slap it, honor it. So what made you want to pursue security? I never finished high school. This is all I could get. Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself. Right now, I'm goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia. Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack. My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears. They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard. I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard. My uncle can. Stay snug. Now, in the event that you approach an assailant, here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up, left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly, giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know you don't. Okay? But you know what we do have? Our voices! We have our voices. If you remember one thing from today, it's this. The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster. Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch? Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time, five minutes to get refocused. We got a high roller. Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right. Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic. Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic. Sir. Thank you. Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir. You're kidding. I don't joke about shopper safety. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to issue you a citation. Gonna need your first and last. Last first. Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir. Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay? Are you able to… Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir. You're pushing it. Sir. Sir. I am warning… Sir. Sir. Sir. Sir. Okay. This is adding up, sir. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back. Hey. Hi. Do you need something? Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall. Well, thank you. Is there something else? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just looking for some hair extensions. Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men? Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men? Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan? I don't think so. Which one? Well, that one. That one right there. Yeah. That one, yes. That… You know, that one was me. Oh, wow. Are you okay? Oh, yeah. Never better. Although they're docking the paycheck pretty good. Yeah. You know what you should do? You should get the security tape, and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff. Hello, early retirement. Yeah, right? Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got. Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks. Who is this? It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5. What the hell are you bothering me for? Just a Code B check. What a moron. You know, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense. Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard. What, what? No, it's just that you said security guard, and it's perfectly acceptable… I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing. No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know? It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy brewing in the industry right now, whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer. I'm sure you heard about it. I didn't. You will. You're gonna. But I'm sure I will. It's out there. So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year? Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday. This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get a card. Everyone's too busy shopping. You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash. Yeah. I think that's your color. I think this'll work. It's a winner. So that's $9.95. $9.95? Yeah. Wow. At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Right. So there you go. Okay. And, there you go. Thank you, Amy. Thank you, Officer Blart. Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt. You went with a medium? It's a bit formfitting, but that's 'cause we're required to wear protective vests under our… No. Not buy

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