Bumming out my friends

Sorry this is so long. I just need someone to hear me.

I just got back from a get together with three of my gal friends I knew in college. They knew me and my stbxh when we first started dating, went to my wedding, one of their husbands was a groomsman, etc. Though they all live at a distance, they know what's going on (discovery of stbx's affair and him up and leaving for the ow) and have been checking in with me every month or so.

We decided to get together today, and it was hard. All of them are moms, two of them are currently 7 months pregnant, and this was the year that my stbx and I were going to start trying for a baby. We talked about other topics, but sure enough, soon the conversation turned to such normal things. Kids. Family life. "We". The daily rhythms of two people working together to build a shared life. And it was a hole in my heart.

They are such wonderful people that they picked up on that and would change topics, and I would of course ask them questions about their families, the kids, and the impending babies. Because I care about them too. But it was so hard.

And at some point the conversation turned to the elephant in the room–my situation and the impending divorce. And they were good about listening. But as I talked I felt so jaded. They all had the safety and security still in their lives, the naivete of not knowing how easily this could happen. And I felt like I was almost giving a public service announcement on it. Two of them are SAHM's. They both have nothing to do with finances. And as I was discussing what I'm going through, and how I have a good amount in savings, etc. one of them quietly said, "H handles all the finances… I just never have done them, he's so good at them. Maybe I should learn."

And part of me feels like such an asshole that they are thinking of those things and questioning their own lives. But part of me wants them to know–I used to be you too! And secure! And thought because our marriage was good that this could never happen! But that's an illusion!

And I envy them the not knowing. The innocence. Because I can never unlearn. And even if I heal and do meet someone else in the future, there will always be a part of me on guard. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe not in 5 years or 10 years, but what about 20? 30? When will my life implode and my heart be ripped out again?

I'm sorry, but I just needed to post this somewhere I could be heard. Somewhere people that are walking the same road and navigating the same struggle could hear me and I could be understood.


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