We’ve got a live one, guys


I've seen neckbeards before, but this'll be the first one I'll probably see more than once/have more than one story about.

I recently got a new job, working nighttime security at a mill. Basically I open the gate for workers and visitors, and every couple of hours I walk the premises and click those little sensors to show I'm doing my job.

Now the mill I work at is in a small town, and a generally friendly community. I just finished my first week here, and it wasn't unusual for someone to come down here on their break to check out the new face. I'm a…relatively social person so this didn't bug me at all. 90% of them were older people who had worked at the mill for 20 years or more, and they took pride in being nice to newcomers and showing them how the place worked. One of the little older ladies even made me a plate of dinner and left it in the canteen one night. That was super sweet of her.

Okay so I may have rambled a bit off topic.

So Thursday night, this dude comes down here, and I'm just chilling between rounds, listening to a podcast I've started to like. The dude is around my age, maybe a little older, so I'd say anywhere from 20-25, and he looks…well…kind of gross.

Working in a mill can be a sweaty job, ladies and gentlemen. I understand this. But this guy clearly didn't shower or anything when he got home. No fedora, since this is a place of business and not allowed, but you could easily imagine one, readers. Greasy, unkempt beard, acne ridden face, a grey…grime that came up when he scratched his arm.


You know, normally when people introduce themselves, they give a greeting, tell you their name, maybe give a handshake? Not this guy. This champ amongst men began with the age old line you should never ask a woman, especially a tiny, ginger, angry woman.

"So does the carpet match the drapes?"

It takes me a second, readers, to comprehend what he says. I've worked with truckers before, I'm no stranger to lewd questions and odd characters, but this was a winner even in my experience. I'm also a smartass and very into Welcome to Nightvale.

"No, you're a terrible interior designer now get out of my guardhouse."

He looked offended by this, and clearly we had gotten off on the wrong foot. He lectured me for a moment about how I was being rude and how he just wanted to meet the new girl and greet her with a funny joke. I think I speak for quite a few people when I say that shit ain't funny.

Somehow, he manages to change the topic to hygiene, which stunned me because I thought this was a foreign concept to him. He started ranting about the managers, who have written him up on several occasions for hygiene issues. I, naturally, point out that for a health standard, hygiene is important, and he retorts that yes, maybe for women to find a good man, it is, but not for men. Men just needed jobs and strength to get women.

Part of the reason I'm so grossed out by this dude, sexually overt greeting aside, is because I am pretty meticulous about my own looks. I was raised to give a shit, and security is basically a customer service job anyway, so you need to look professional and presentable at all times. As such, I keep a little baggy of emergency supplies out in my truck, such as a hair brush, an extra ponytail holder, a tiny can of perfume, baby wipes, hand lotion, and a travel sized tube of toothpaste and a toothbrush. Fun fact. I'm not neurotic about grooming, but for God's sake.

Eventually, thankfully, I assume his break ended, and he waddled back up to the mill to go back to whatever he does with the promise to "keep me company later". I shrug noncommittally, close the guard shack door, and return to listening to the radio/podcasts and reading until it's time for my next round.

I don't know if this guy will continue to come down here and bug me, but if he does, I'll keep you updated.

But lemme ask this, readers.

Why do some guys think it's a good idea to ever ask a question like the one this genius started out with?!_


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