A day in Wild Wild Washington DC (or a tale of The Donald)
05.30 The alarm clock goes off: Pink Floyds The Wall is playing…
05.32 Damn one of those pesky small bug eyed mini drones is sitting by the clock. Manage to swat it. It's completely crushed. Feeling great again.
05.34 NYT calls. Groan. An assistant to the fourth deputy secretary of housing to governor Deal R-Ga has stated that muslims drink the blood of bats… Hanging up.
05.42 WaPo calls. A janitor working at the offices of governor Christie R-NJ is claiming that muslims sacrifice virgins to Baalsebub… Hanging up.
05.57 WSJ calls. A guy in a bar has said he's a republican having secret knowledge about a secret muslim zombie army ready to conquer the world… Hanging up.
06.01 Roll out of bed and put on my bath robe.
06.12 Watch Tucker on Fox. Crazy black clad SJW is screaming at the Tuck that white clothes are a symbol of white supremacy and the uniform of a satanic KKK sex cult…
@trumpthegreatest: The Tuck totally ruins bat shit crazy SJW. I feel good.
06.20 Jump into the shower.
06.30 My hairdresser tells me that he will try the new Great Hair mist (R)formula. My hair looks more fantastic than ever. Will only use the new formula from now on.
@trumpthegreatest: Great hair today. The best. Just the best.
06.32 LA Times calls. Arnold is walking down Hollywood Blvd wearing a Great Again cap, a Hitler uniform and no pants. WTF? Hanging up.
06.35 Check the mail. Sanders, Gary and Bill assure me they will support the Trump Care for a Great America bill, but that the current situation is sensitive.
06.41 Another of those darn mini drones buzz into the room. I manage to swat it dead in its tracks with my steel fly swatter. Feeling great. I'm the best.
Meanwhile in a secret room of the Obama mansion cellar: Oooh great master of the nether world, please heed my plea…
06.59 Sean arrives.
07.00 Review of the nights headlines.
Fox (breaking): Hillary secretly visits drug lord money financed voodoo church in the Hamptons to secretly discuss with Soros how to secretly overwhelm Europe with AIDS infected Somalis.
Breitbart: Severed goat heads found in bin behind kebab stall.
Infowars: Wikileaks new Podesta mails shows the DNC were planning to round up all Trump voting hill-billies and expel them to Canada.
CNN (breaking): Trump denies selling Hitler uniform to russian ambassador Sovietskij.
MSNBC (breaking): Trump secretly visits drug lord money financed voodoo church near Mar-a-Lago to secretly discuss with Milo how to secretly overwhelm Europe with AIDS infected klansmen. Hmm, did I not just hear this news?
@trumpthegreatest: ClintonNewsNetwork. You are fake news again. CNN are fake news losers. Losers. There is no russian ambassador Sovietskij.
@michaelmoore: Trump is a liar. I saw Trump sell Hitler uniforms to Russia in my basement when I was checking on my plants. Impeachment now!
@senschumer: Putin XoX. Sessions must resign. It is about the future of our country.
@trumpthegreatest@senschumer: You're a total hypocrite. Total. Total.
07.31 The Secret Service picks me up in an armored SUV. Ask the agents to swing by Woodland. I turn on the loudspeaker and shout "Allahu Akbar" a couple of times. Golf clad men throw themselves behind their cars. Women scream. The agents snigger.
@trumpthegreatest: What happened in Woodland today? Muslims go berserk.
08.00 Crisis meeting with Sessions, Bannon and Spice. Who the f..k is that woman get her out. Where is Sean?
08.20 Coffee break.
08.22 Call from HuffPo. Don Lemon has seen Betsy DeVos painting black colleges white… Hanging up.
@trumpthegreatest: Lemon is sour as a lemon. (I'm on fire!)
09.00 Crisis meeting with Tillerson, Ryan and Pence Pelosi has been caught sitting on Paul's office copier making butt scans. Disgusting. Burn that copier.
@paulkrugman: US economy is in a slump, Dow Jones stats are fake lying Trump alternative facts. Sell your stock the end is nigh.
@vox: Our new proud motto – ignorance is patriotic, truth is treason, impeach Trump.
@trumpthegreatest: Who's Krugman?
@trumpthegreatest: Vox=fake news. Lotta fake news. Humongous fake news.
09.36 Call from Swedish PMs office. Put Sean on the phone. It's a Hen-Rich Urnstad, the Swedish special Nazi world conspiracy exterminator and advisor to the Swedish Prime minister. Sean mimes urski burski bork bork bork.
@trumpthegreatest: Swedish PM is crazy, called me imitating the Swedish chef.
09.58 Meeting with the Standing Committe on Russian Hacking. Senator Schumer is still sweeping the room for russian bugs. He began at 8.00 this morning–he's sure missing some horses. Suddenly a mini drone buzzes into the room. Manage to grab Schumer by the scruff of the neck and squash the drone between a wall and Schumer.
10.14 Schumer regains consciousness to everybody's dismay and starts sweeping the room again. All shout that he's already done that. Schumer ignores us.
10.28 Schumer presents exhibit A. A secretly obtained secret interview with the secret russian hacker "Drago": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qN8uNV0uOOc
10.37 Meeting rambles on. Schumer has also uncovered a Boris the hacker and an Ivan the evil cracker on Facebook and is shrilly requesting that they be burned at the stake. He claims that if they burn it will prove Sessions conspired with the russkies.´I think I've read about that somewhere. There is something vaguely familiar with Schumers suggestions. Salem. Witch hunts? Never mind. Feel a need to tweet.
@trumpthegreatest@hillary: You loser. I got millions of votes more. You're votes were fake votes. Fake.
11.00 Meeting is finally over. Send Reince to get me an upper just to survive the rest of the day.
11.01 MSNBC calls. Apparently Zinke is running a secret Nazi zombie KKK LGBTQ camp in Kentucky… Hanging up.
@michaelmoore: Trump is running secret lesbian Nazi base in the basement of the WH. Impeachment now.
11.11 MSNBC calls again. Want me to comment on the secret gay russian WH Nazi base that Micheal Moore has uncovered in the WH… Hanging up.
11.14 ABC calls. Want me to comment on the Milo-run russian spy base in the WH basement wiretapping Obama and helping me win… Hanging up.
@michaelmoore: Obama was overthrown by russian KKK operating from sub-basement 5 of the WH in collusion with Milo and Trump. Impeachment now.
11.31 MSNBC again. (Fuuuk what a pain they are) Want me to comment on new alternative evidence from Michael Moore regarding a secret russo-iranian WH base… Hanging up.
11.35 Quick lunch and headline check.
MSNBC (breaking) Trump colluded with Russia and Iran and zombie trans-Nazis to stage coup d'etat against Obama. Fidel Castro fingered selling arms to Trump. Ambassador Sovietskij the go-between.
@trumpthegreatest: MSNBC are fake news. Fidel's dead. Morons.
@billmaher: Trump's insane, believes Fidel is alive in secret Nazi base under the WH.
@prezobama: The election was a russian conspiracy. Proof positive from Michael Moore that I should have won. I'll be bak.
@hillary@prezobama: Hey, I am the rightful and legitimate president!!!
12.00 At rally. My fans love me. "I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words."
@donlemon: I don’t believe Donald Trump believes what he says. I don’t believe most of America believes Donald Trump believes what he says, And if he really does believe what he says, I believe he would say he believed it. And I don't believe Trump will ever believe what he says he believes as I believe I know what's in Trumps mind. And I believe he does not believe what he believes as it is contrary to what I believe. Believe it or not.
@prezobama@donlemon: ???? Are you trippin?
13.00 Interview with The Boy Scouts of America Magazine. Buy some cookies.
13.42 Daniel Axelrod is calling. He's found a secret vampire Nazi base deep in the Rockies. Sounds like he's been running. Says he's being followed by a posse of Milo supporters and black, black clad men in black cars. I ask why he's calling me. Long silence at the other end. Axelrod mumbles something about the force of habit and abruptly hangs up. WTF?
13.46 Rahm Emanuel calls me telling me it was not Axelrod and hangs up. WTF? WTF?
Meanwhile in a secret room of the Obama mansion cellar: Oooh infinite lord of the abysmal chasm receive my offering…
13.48 A mini drone swoops by, before I manage to swat it. Damn those drones.
13.56 Wins-AM calls. Wants to know if Don Lemon is my secret speech writer. They have found many similarities in style. What the hell???
@trumpthegreatest: Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest-and you all know it! I write my speeches myself.
@donlemon: Melania's got a nice rack. Why is she with Trump. Come to me. Come to papa.
14.02 Crisis meeting with the Secret Service and the FBI. Seems that Flynn has taken up writing to Theodore Kaczynski.
14.13 Doing my bit and pop by the refugee center on Monroe St. Get cornered by two guys from Aghanistan. According to them we let in too many heathen chinese in the US. Musimbimba from Burundi butts in and wants me to add pygmies to the list of forbidden countries. Seems they're "unclean". Are pygmies a country. Mental note: ask Sean. I promise them all work building The Wall. We part as best friends. Three more supporters. I'm doing great.
14.20 Cake with the bishop in the refectory. A CNN reporter wants to take a picture of me with a strong boned tall muslim kid–with a hefty stubble on his chin–in my lap. No problem I have taken all necessary precautions: I am fully vaccinated. The f-ing kid whispers Allahu Akbar in my ear. The CNN guy gloats maliciously. Will have Pence doing all refugee photo ops from now on.
14.23 LA Times calls. Apparently it was an Arnold look-a-like sent out by the russian ambassador Sovietskij according to a master plan ideated by gen. Flynn earlier this year. LAT have wiretap excerpts proving Flynn conspired with someone in the Trump tower… Hanging up.
14.27 Infowars calls. They have wiretap excerpts showing that Obama and gen. Flynn conspired to make calls from Trump Tower to ambassador Sovietskij regarding a plan to dress an Arnold look-a-like as Hitler to embarrass me… Hanging up.
14.52 Obama calls using a voice distorter and posing as Hillary threatening to publicize a sex tape of her and Huma taking a roll in the hay at Camp David in 1987. Does he think I'm stupid? I give the phone to Pence. I hear the electronic voice change. Pence says it's me asking him to "make the rounds" under Brooklyn Bridge and "burn some homeless peoples tents". Curtains for Obama. Hanging up.
15.00 Crisis meeting with Pence and Sean about Conway's skimpish dresses.
15.10 Crisis meeting with Conway and Reince about Pence's ugly ties.
15.28 Bump into Obama at the Capitolium toilets. He puts it away in midstream and walks off without as much as a word. Notice there's a small caricature of Donna Brazile on the porcelain where he just stood. There is still hope. There is still hope.
15.48 Fox News calls. Pelosi and Donna Brazile have apparently been running a gang of russian red-haired Nazi trans-phobes posing as Trump voters at the election rallies. They have secret tapes of her and ambassador Sovietskijs coordinating the group… Hanging up.
16.09 Buzzfeed calls. They have a new top secret confidential eyes only file by MI6 operative Christopher Steele, and confirmed by top NSA operatives, proving that Bannon is hiding Hitler in a secret room in his mansion. According to the report Bannon is also personally injecting Hitler with substance X which is why Hitler's managed to reach 128 years… Hanging up.
16.14 Vox calls. They have confirmation that Bannon is married to an ultra-centenarian Hitler hidden away in Bannons mansion and that ambassador Sovietskij and gen. Flynn officiated the marriage… Hanging up.
16.22 CNN calls. They have confirmation that Bannon is a vampire secretly hiding Hitler in a coffin with soil from Berchtesgaden in his cellar and that Conway is Hitlers and Bannons love child… Hanging up.
@trumpthegreatest: Lord give me strength to survive this madhouse that is Wasghington DC for just another day.
17.00 Presser at the WH. Ben Affleck suddenly jumps up and starts screaming at the top of his lungs. Who the hell let that bozo in? While guards converge on him, he manages the screech that "all republicans are white racist supremacist mini-Hitlers that should be corralled into special detention facilities where they will be housed in barracks and put to work in factories until they've repaid their debt to Hollywood at which point they will be humanely put down by a rose smelling gas…". He's voice dwindles as the guards subdue him and cuff him before frog-marching him to detention. Jeez…
@Buzzfeed: Trump goons attack Ben Affleck as he is peacefully and silently protesting refugee rights at the WH.
@merylstreep: Buzzfeed caught Trump denying Ben Affleck his free speech rights. Ben was brutally assaulted and beaten by Trump enforcers while shopping a new Ferrari and has been transported to Guantanamo Bay. Trump is a dictator, much much worse than Hitler. Hitler was a good guy compared to Trump.
@JDL@merylstreep: Are you a totally demented a-hole…
@trumpthegreatest: Ben's a lying loser. Bad actor. Bad. Meryl is a has-been. Crazy cat lady she is…
18.05 Sean and Conway swoop in trailed by a mini drone. The f-ing drone evades my attempts to smash it. Latest polls shows me surging. Yeah. I'm the greatest.
18.07 Conway briefs me on the latest headlines.
Daily Mail (UK): journalist Katie Hopkins calls out Sweden as an anti-woman rape hell with daily grenade attacks against children.
Fox Business: interviewing swedish journalist Carlquit something… Sweden is a collapsing state verging on fascism.
@trumpthegreatest: Daily mail asserts Sweden's going down in flames. More bad shit. Bad. Happening. Fascist state. Collapsing. Bad. Cars burning.
@kthopkins@trumpthegreatest: Sorry, there's been a serious complaint about my first report from Sweden. A reader is very angry because I suggested the child raped by a 45-year-old migrant (posing as an unaccompanied minor) was 14. In fact, the child was 12. My bad.
@trumpthegreatest: Katie you the best. The best. Sweden the worst. The worst.
@stefanlofven@trumpthegreatest: Jo are a fucking liar sveden häs nevver been safer. Krajm is down, vomen are sejf. No rapes just love. No rapes at all. All is fasist rajtving Nazi crack head lying conspirasy.
@carlbildt@trumpthegreatest: What are you smoking?
18.44 Bannon runs into my office and turns on the TV telling me to watch the news.
CNN (breaking): An ecstatic and teary eyed Wolf Blitzer is cheering as Obama, Hillary, Donna Brazile and the DNC Voluntary Militia for National Security are marching on Trump tower chanting "Not my president" and "Kill Putin".
RT (breaking): Huge shipments of popcorn and snacks have been delivered to the Putin residence during the last days.
@trumpthegreatest: Just now. Fake news happening on ClintonFakeNewsNetwork.
19.00 Crisis meeting at The Capitol Grylle with Sanders, Mattis, Mnuchin, Carson and Pompeo. Rumours abound that Michelle suffers from dementia. Sanders ready to enlist the Bilderberg Group to get rid of Perez. John McCain's been spotted buying bath salts in Bellevue. Bannon observed sneaking into his basement on full moon evenings.
19.22 Interrupted by a call from CNN. The protesters marching on the Trump Tower were klansmen in Obama and Hillary masks actually marching to MOMA to protest an exhibition of human sized rubber vaginas. Don Lemon wants to know how I am involved in this… Hanging up.
Fox (breaking): Michael Moore has apparently ripped one of the rubber vaginas from the floor and single handedly attacked the klansmen. One klansman reportedly stuck in the vagina. Fire Dept. has to cut him out. CNN's Wolf Blitzer seen skulking at the site with a Hitler uniform and a The Donald Wig (R).
@michaelmoore: Nabbed an effing nazi KKK. Better than sex. Impeachment now!
19.58 Feeling watched. See no mini drones though. Think I see Wolf Blitzer in a nazi uniform in the corner of my eye. But when I turn my head there's nothing there. Strange, can't shake the feeling.
20.00 Meeting my therapist. Recounting a recurring nightmare of waking up with Huma Abedins face and drinking moonshine with Hillary in the sunset. Disgusting and unsettling. Also tell her about a pressing urge to shout the n-word when speaking to the congress just to watch the assembled representatives expressions. Exit with a bang so to speak. The therapist wants to record our conversations. I tell her to get the tapes from Obama. BTW why was there no mini drone in her office… Hmm.
20.56 Feeling watched again.
21.00 Interviewed by The Tuck on Fox. Nice guy. Says he voted for me.
21.49 CNN calls. Trump voter in Wookatree Falls (NE) has said black people build velcro traps to catch white children for dinner… Hanging up.
22.00 Home at last. Kick off my shoes. Toss the jacket in a corner and slump down on the divan and put on Wagner's "Die Walküre" at full blast. The windows tremble. Melania enters the room and requests some quality time. She want's to watch Game of Thrones, sip lukewarm white wine and have a TV-dinner like ordinary folks. I remind her that I currently star in my personal Game of Thrones show every day.
22.56 A quick moment of contemplation in front of the majestic Nixon portrait.
23.16 Awake in the bed thinking about Dr Seuss. And about Peters stroll in NYC on a snowy day. And my hero Harold and his purple crayon. And Sylvester and his magic pebble. Wish I had one… When America truly was great! I feel a tear trickle down my cheek.
23.38 Time for a last quick run down of the days news.
MSNBC (breaking): NYT has uncovered a russian hack of it's paper edition. Articles about Trump being wiretapped have suddenly appeared in the january 12th and 19th editions as well as that of the february 19th.
Fox (breaking): Hillary had promised a giant 24k Obama statue in front of the WH to celebrate him helping her win.
GatesOfVienna: Insane muslims dress as KKK and attack feminist march in Toronto.
@NYT: we strenuously deny having intimated that Mr Trump and president Trump where wiretapped by Obama. Those are outright tin foil hat conspiracy theories. We repeat–the only article we've written about Trump is a piece on may 23rd 2011 about him pointing the way to Times Square to two russian tourists with a map.
@Buzzfeed: NYT uncover Trump caught consorting with a cabal of russian spies in 2011.
@mikabrzezinski: Trump's insane. Fantasises about being wiretapped by Obama and about existent NYT articles.
@michaelmoore: Russians can hack paper! I saw them at it with Trump in my cellar.
@Vox: Michael Moore catches Trump in tin foil hat posing as NYT journalist.
23.52 Why do I feel like I'm living in Fantasia (c)? God dammit, I spot a small mini drone on the window sill. Too tired to bother.
00.02 LATimes calls: Want's me to confirm a rumor I'm building a giant gold statue of myself in front of the WH… Hanging up.
@prezobama@trumpthegreatest: You are a fake president. Ha ha.
@trumpthegreatest@prezobama: No I'm very real you sore loser. You are a wire tapper. Tappety tap tap. Watergater…
@prezobama@trumpthegreatest: No I'm not.
@trumpthegreatest@prezobama: Yes you are.
@prezobama@trumpthegreatest: No I'm not.
@trumpthegreatest@prezobama: Yes you are.
00.08 WaPo calls: Trump fan from Soggy Bottom (IN) has said muslims procreate like rats… Hanging up.
00.11 NYT calls: the assistant secretary to Elain Chao asserts that the Quran is chock full of admonitions to maim, slay, murder and kill. Refer them to the Quran. Hanging up.
@mikabrzezinski: Trump worse than Hitler. Millions of war torn refugees not able to travel to US. Hitler much better. Helped millions of war struck europeans with travel, shelter, food and work.
@JDL@mikabrzezinski: Are you totally mental?
00.13 Eyes feel heavier and heavier…
Meanwhile in a secret room of the Obama mansion cellar: Oooh revered ruler of the primordial void listen to my call… "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn…"