I made a mistake. I am on probation and I just cannot take it anymore.

This is a cross-post. I am just scared. This whole situation just makes me want to end it all. I know I made a mistake. But I have paid for it already. The extent that this punishment is going is interfering with my life. It has caused me to consider suicide more than once and this feeling is back again and it terrifies me.

I guess I will start from the beginning. I have no one to talk to about this in my personal life anyway, so it might actually help. This will be a bit lengthy, and for that I apologize. Whoever does read and get through it, thank you kindly and I appreciate it so much.

Last July, I was caught shoplifting with a friend of mine. They did it all the time, so in a lapse of judgement, I thought I could get away with it too. The security told us if we complied, we wouldn't get the $1000+ (all added together) in court fees. So I complied. I'm pretty sure he charged me for more than I had taken anyway. The person I was with was next to me the entire time, less willing than me to comply. But, the security guard had a bunch of other empty packages, that I assume he didn't know what to do with, so he decided I took them. I will admit, I did take some things and I made a poor choice, but the rest he decided I took, I did not. After a few hours, I got to leave.

Come September, I have my court date. The other person (who for the sake of ease, I will refer to as D) had their trial the same day. Due to my name being earlier in the alphabet, I had went first. I could not afford a lawyer, so I had the court-appointed one. She was terrible. D, on the other hand, had a lawyer provided to them by their parent, who had showed up. Now, neither of us are minors. But while I was standing before the judge, her requirements were a written and notarized letter from my parent stating they were aware. I think this was because I showed up to my trial entirely on my own, as my parent lives several states away.

So her sentence for me was: 9 months of probation, with 2x a month drug testing and 2x a month alcohol testing, a class, and 15 hours of community service. ( I found out later that D has no community service requirements, didn't start testing until a few months after me, and doesn't have to meet with a PO, only a 'volunteer'. This makes me so angry.)

This was difficult for me to hear, as my crime had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. I also live in a state where cannabis is medically legal, and I have my medcard stating I can legally consume. Prior to this incident, I consumed often and it helped tremendously for what I had it prescribed for. I stopped about three days before my trial. In regards to the trial, I could no longer use this form of medication. I am also in a few medications for chronic anxiety. I have a prescription for Alprazolam(xanax) that I was almost unable to use as well. I had countless anxiety attacks throughout this process, and I feel as though I would have done something drastic had they not finally allowed me at least one of my medications.

What frustrates me is that someone with no medical background whatsoever can trump what my doctors say and prescribe me, and decide that I am no longer permitted to use certain medications. I've tried other things to substitute the help from pain cannabis provided. It is not the same, but I have no choice. I am constantly in pain. I am unable to even use CBD, which is the non-psychoactive cannibinoid in cannabis. Which means it is the one that does not make you feel high, it is purely for medicinal purposes and not recreational.

My probation officer was aware that I had a legal medical card. She obviously did not care. Apparently she understood that I would show positive on the test results for some time, due to my consumption. After my sentence, I ceased consumption entirely. In October, I get a call saying I tested positive for marijuana. I said that this wasn't possible, as I hadn't consumed it since my probation period had begun. She said, "when you're ready to be honest with me, the judge and I are here." And so comes another court date, but for a probation violation. Between that call and the court date, I was a mess. I had problems with self-harm in the past but this caused it to come back full force.

I was not allowed to see my test results. Which is messed up, that I, the person testing, is not permitted to see the results of my own body. This frustrated me to no ends. I ended up hiring a lawyer, as I had some money saved up. He was able to obtain the results. Which showed the result and date side-by-side. My results were consistently diminishing until they were nonexistent. My violation was dismissed, yet I was still punished and was given and additional 2 months of probation and extra testing, which was now once a week. I was furious, but of course there is absolutely not a thing I can do. I spent these past few months feeling helpless, and disgusted with myself. I have never been in trouble with the law before, not once. And now, every time I walk into the court, they treat me like a criminal. At the testing facility, I am treated like an alcohol and drug addict. My probation officer treats me like an addict. When I told her, after the violation court date, that I hadn't consumed so I went and hired a lawyer, her exact words were, "I don't care if you hired twenty lawyers." I couldn't believe why she was so harsh, even as it had been dismissed. This probation officer and judge, unfortunately, are notoriously rude and harsh, and generally don't care about anything. Which is frustrating.

I've been seeing a psychologist this entire time, which has helped with my thoughts of harm and generally just wanting to end everything myself. I get nightmares every night, most have to do with me violating my probation. I wake up sweating and panicking that I actually had. I haven't had a restful sleep whatsoever. I work two jobs, had to go to school less, just so I can deal with this situation. I know I made a mistake. But the amount of fees and hoops I have had to jump through, I feel as though I have paid for my actions. I have no desire to repeat it. I just want to be done. It interferes with my education. I am completely on my own and it is tearing me down. I want to move on with my life.

And now here were are, last week. I had a few drinks with an old friend, in my own home. I don't really ever do this, as it scares the shit out of me. However I thought (and thought wrong) that I could enjoy myself that weekend. I was called for an ETG test two days later. And now, a week later, my probation officer asks me why she is sitting with a positive alcohol test in front of her. I admit to it, I have additional testing and another violation court date. I want to hire a lawyer, only because it helps with this judge. Though not a whole lot. I cannot stop panicking. I am having a terrible prolonged anxiety attack. I want to self-harm more than anything, but am trying with everything in me not to. I am terrified and I want it to be over. I know I messed up by choosing to drink but I just want to be normal. I am scared of facing this judge, and I am more scared about my thoughts of just wanting to end it. I will be on probation for over a year. It interferes with my life, and I just cannot take it anymore. I cannot move on, because I have to wait it out, and one mistake now just lengthened it. I just want it to be over.

I apologize for the length of this post. I appreciate anyone who has read through its entirety.

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