[NeedAdvice] I feel that sometimes I cannot convince myself that personal growth is worth it.
I have fallen into a trance of underachievement for the past 7 years. At 18 I had to undergo military service (which is obligatory in my country). My service required me to be very disciplined. And I was very disciplined, but all along I hated the fact that it was forced on me. When I finally finished I decided that after this long period of being restricted and controlled, I wanted, no, needed, a period of total egoistic hedonism.
My ideas of pleasure might be different then what you think. I moved out, found a job as a security guard and worked mostly nights so I can game on a laptop while at work. I've spent my off hours masturbating and consuming entertainment (movies, series, r/funny, etc) whilst in a state of drunken gluttony. I kept social interactions to a minimum because I saw them as a waste of my free time. No social interaction could give me the same amount of pleasure as those activities did.
I think that somewhere deep inside I understood that what I'm doing is destructive. During those years I somehow managed to keep fit and built a rather impressive body, read a self help book every now and then, try to be productive, plan my day, start positive habits even start an online business but since I was my own boss in all of this, most of my attempts have failed.
Eventually 4.5 years ago I enrolled into university, and only now finishing up my bachelor (should have taken 3 years). 80 if not 90% of my professors deem me as an intelligent student. I have rather good grades, and was at the top of my class on some subjects (I say was, because most of my classmates have graduated long ago). But since I never gave up on pleasure seeking, I'd finish one class and go into a binge, finish another and go into a binge. Since I really hated my military service, I do not want to be the subject of tyranny again, and unfortunately I tend to associate things "I have to do" to being forced, and being forced to tyranny, even when those "have to do" things are the results of choices I made – choices for a better life.
Now enough with the sob story, there is a positive part to all of this. I want to do better, somewhere inside of me I always wanted better. I understood some time ago, that what most likely causing me to escape, procrastinate and underachieve is the fact that gaming, drinking ,masturbating, junk food and other types of powerful instant gratification, made everything else in life look less attractive.
One voice in my brain goes: "Why would I want to chase after women when I can get a fleshlight (or a real doll if i save up) and watch infinite amounts of porn (soon to be in VR) while pleasuring myself. Why would I strive to spend 10,000 hours to perfect a skill when I can play an mmorpg and level up every hour. Why should I keep a diet and eat rather bland food when I can have all the overstimulating flavor that unhealthy food has…"
In the past 50 days, thanks to this sub, and thanks to themed subs I have 100% stopped masturbating and watching porn, gaming, drinking and limited my consumption of cheap entertainment to an absolute minimum. I read and practice a lot of self help material (some of my realizations, mentioned earlier, came from reading the Put Off Procrastinating! pdf's) I have started introducing positive habits into my life, and am seeing some benefits. My question and my seek of advice is this (which is also the TL;DR):
In the past two weeks, I keep getting these stealthy thoughts that all this personal growth is pointless. I can get all the satisfaction I need (and more) from gaming, porn, food… Every time I start working on my projects my brain starts whining at me:
"C'mon whats the point? The end result of this crap you are doing is a since of achievement, and that is dopamine and opioids anyway. Lets just do all the instant gratification stuff we used to do and get much more dopamine and opioids that you can ever wish for. All rich and famous are unhappy, man. They are stressed and working all the time, not getting satisfaction from nothing. Just grab a beer and lets play Skyrim. Afterwards go on PornHub and wack it to some compilation. You're gonna see more chicks in one video, than you will be able to sleep with in your whole life. Get a cheese burger and fries when you're done, man, and you're in heaven, man."
I'm staying strong, but my junkie brain has a point. I kinda secretly wish for a day of total relapse. When I started I was motivated and now after two mounts, nonetheless the minor positive effects, I find myself wishing to relapse. I think the only reason I didn't do it is because I live with my gf and I'm ashamed to relapse since I made her accountable to all the negative habits I quitted.
Did the experienced and disciplined redditors of /r/getdisciplined have to deal with these kind of self mind fucks? If so, how do you shake them off? How do I convince myself to continue on the path of personal growth, not knowing how it will be until I get there?
I know this was a wall of text, even the TL;DR, and I sincerely thank you for reading.