A Thog Review of Skyrim Hospitality: The Bannered Mare
Thog am no like sleeping out of doors. Too much risk of wolves biting unmentionables. Thog prefer cave, but cave in Skyrim not trustworthy. Last time he come out of cave with many chaurus egg, mint-condition draugr armor, and Aetherial Crown. Thog only wanted nap.
Whiterun am pleasant enough. Found clanky people harassing fellow club-wielder so Thog intervene with own club. Beat up dog-smelling man and woman in lazy makeup. Fellow club-wielder came to Thog, presumably for word of gratitude, but Thog am surprised to be hurled 300 meters.
After landing on wizard, Thog picked self up and limp to gate. Guard no want Thog enter, but Thog show knotty fist. Fist very eloquent especially when bigger than person's head. Thog enter city.
Snooty man ask Thog if he am ever visit cloud ditty. Thog say yes but snooty man ignore Thog. Thog remember he am tired, so him head to nearest lodging establishment. Funny elf tell story bout hunting accident, ha ha, this am never happen when hunter use club. Dark elf woman dress all in leather — Thog know prostitute when him see one. Sadly, price too high for happy naked fun time. Thog repair to alternative establishment, the Bannered Mare.
Bannered Mare good. It fancy. But then, Thog am not so-phis-ti-cated. Hunk of meat am good meal, pelt of bear am good bed. Thog have no money for bed. Innkeeper lady hint mebbe Thog pay with firewood so him head out. There am axe beside stump, but no tree for chopping. Thog hunt till he find tree in Whiterun. Tree dying, so Thog perform public service by clearing it.
Thog am happy to report that food in Bannered Mare am cooked. Mead also okay. For entertainment there am people to punch. Pushy music man and clanky Nord woman. Music man no good fight, clanky woman too good fight. Afterward she am tell Thog him take anything from her house. Thog know it proposition, but him am not in mood for happy naked fun time.
Man invite Thog to drinking contest. This am relevant to Thog's interests.
Thog return to inn very tired. Sam Guevane am bro, but dangerous bro. Him put Thog through trials for magic staff. Thog prefer using own hands. Anyway, Thog pay for night and sink into bed.
Thog return to inn even more very tired. Stabby woman take Thog to spooky swamp for killing strangers without trial. Thog believe in due process, so instead kill stabby woman and take shoes. Security in Whiterun am terrible. Alcoholic Nord got that right.
Thog see dark elf lady in leather in Bannered Mare. Thog have reward money so him make offer. Lady am insulted, she not prostitute after all. It different dark elf lady. Rich boyfriend not pleased.
It am interesting to listen to inn crowd. In kitchens, man plan way to get out of exploitative situation. In private room, other man plan way to kill emperor. Ha ha. Thog ask barmaid for menu and him mention that countrymen am looking for her.
Thog excited. Barmaid am ask Thog to come to her room!