A glorious day in the envious and charmed life of an exalted deity a.k.a Trans-Continental Pilot… in the ‘good old days’

[WARNING: Possible shitpost]

   

Day 1

 

0830 Wake up gently to mellifluous sounds of 18th century Harp

….mmmm Aaaahhhh….

Roll right. Naked blonde blocking my path stirs and snuggles closer under the sheets

Smile. Rub her bottom and soothe her back to sleep

Roll left

Raven-haired seductress (also nekkid, of course) blocking. Stirs and tries to grab flight stick, hoping for one more romp

Nuh-uh, you naughty chiquita. Half a dozen is more than enough for one night

Exit down the middle

Slip on Japanese silk robe and cashmere slippers

Call room service. Orderly picks up phone "Good Morning Captain. Your order will be up in seven minutes, Sir"

My usual. I didn't even have to say a word

Light up a 555 and finish that last gulp of VSOP that I left for the morning

aaaaahhh…

Feelsgoodman.jpg

Crush the cigarette into the Baccarat ashtray

Breakfast arrives in exquisite sterling silver and fine china. Eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes, toast, fresh fruit, cream, coffee. Morning Newspapers

Love the smell of bacon in the morning. Smells like victory

Tip orderly £5… Her Majesty's Finest Pounds Sterling, not the hyperinflated pseudo-Marxist toilet paper that passes for currency in this banana-republic.

Orderly kneels and prostrates at my feet in eternal gratitude

Tell him to send up more of the morning feast when these two angels rise and tip him another £5 for his troubles

More grovelling at my feet. I am a generous god

Savor breakfast. Read news. Burp

Walk through clothes-strewn living room and step into hangar-sized bathroom. Admire Italian marble and gold trim

Read business section while doing the business. Top headline: Our airline pilots' new contracts: 39% pay raises over the next three years, with 10-20% bonuses on top, or as our Union calls it – "cost-of-living" adjustments

More like cost-of-awesome

Hot shower and shave

Ring for the valet to bring my uniform, custom-made at Savile Row's finest

Wear uniform. Valet almost faints seeing how good I look

Ring for the bellhop to cart my luggage, also custom-made for our airline by Potters. None of that froggy LV rubbish

Strut downstairs and through the lobby as bellhop faithfully follows, respectfully, five feet behind

Ignore the envious stares of impotent groundwhales

Smile at the ladies as they sigh and swoon at my majesty

Nod at my co-pilot who stands up with admiration and reverence and follows behind me (but in front of bellhop as befitting his slightly superior stature)

Climb into the back of the Mercedes limousine idling at the bottom of the steps

Smoke a 555 and finish newspaper as car glides towards the airport as traffic respectfully gives way

…like Moses parting the sea

 

0930 Arrive at airport

Security guard offers a brisk and stiff salute and waves us through to the pilot lounge

Orderly bows, opens the limousine door and deftly picks up my luggage from the boot

Walk into pilot lounge and hand my overcoat and hat to waiting lounge attendant

Light up another 555 as attendant brings a cup of coffee, this time in our Airline's finest china

Flight briefing. Five minutes in co-pilot already feels unworthy of his wings. Cheer him up with an Air Force story. Finish cigarette

Tropical storm heading in from East at destination. Co-pilot looks worried

Pish-posh old chap. A bit of drizzle

Cabin crew briefing. A few stewardesses that I don't know…yet. In that biblical sense

Orderly brings around electric cart. Nod and smile at awestruck passengers during speedy ride to the gate

Board airplane

Mains. Tests. Checklists. APU humming

Go downstairs for walkaround

Breezy. Coat flutters gently, subtle yet epic. Ramp rats stop and admire the majestic display of pure T

Purser sends down coffee, in our Airline's finest china

Walk to the covered area. Ramp rats cup and hide their unfiltered rollies, nod respectfully and slither away from sight

Smoke a 555, finish coffee and set it down. Ramp rat appears from shadows and buses it away

 

1030 Back on flight deck

PAX boarding

Co-pilot has setup everything. Point out few minor oversights. Co-pilot corrects them and feels unworthy of his wings again

Tell him an Air Force story to lift his spirits. He feels better and reassured

 

1110 Pushback

Tug bows and backs off

Lesser machines and lower-order primates around the terminal stop and stare

Four Rolls Royce engines roar to life, fueled by BP's finest kerosene

First in line, cleared for immediate takeoff. Just because

Thunderstruck.mp3

T/O power. Airport trembles. Lesser machines feather props. Lower-order primates nervously pray their gust locks will hold

Gear up. Climb. Soar like an eagle

Cleared direct to cruise altitude. Traffic parts

Cruising

 

1310 Break

First Class Stewardess gives me a knowing smile and a cup of coffee (in our Airline's finest china, of course, mustyouaskpeasant?) as I lazily burn through another 555

 

1345 Lunch

Purser comes in to take order

Main course: Filet Mignon with foie gras, rosemary spring lamb with mint sauce or grilled salmon with lemon and fennel butter

Ho-hum. Let co-pilot choose first

First course arrives

 

1420 Dessert and digestifs

Co-pilot looks tired and distracted, perhaps due to overindulging at lunch

Epic Air Force story perks him right back up

 

1620 Break

Another coffee and slow burn through another 555 as I make plans with Miss Knowing Smile

Chat with First Class Pax

Return to flight deck

 

1735 Somewhere over Assfuckistan

"Awejome Ayrlyn One dubbel jeero pour; Dejend thardy pive tousaand phweet"

Weather briefing

Tropical storm is pounding destination

Lesser machines and lower-order primates are diverting in air or quivering in fear on the ground

Co-pilot has beginnings of an independent thought about diverting

I turn and look at him calmly. He dismisses thought

 

1800 Dinner

Main course: Lobster souffle and caviar, freshly carved leg of ham or chicken cordon bleu

Meh…

 

1920 Somewhere beyond Assfuckistan

"Awejome Ayrlyn One jeero jeero pour; Dejend eleben tousaand phweet"

No "dubbel jeeros", can't be the same controller

My plane

 

1950 Final

"Awesome Airline(ksshhhh…)Four(brrrrp)Runway(….rrrsh)nds110at30(bbppr…)orLanding"

Not-National-Captial-But-Big-Enough-For-International-Flights-Festering-Third-World-Mosquito-Swamp Tower, say again?

"…….AwesomeAirlineOneZeroZeroFourRunway27LeftWinds110at30ClearforLanding"

Co-pilot begins to compose another independent thought, looks at me and dismisses it

GPS, bitches. In glorious Technicolor

Descend through sheeting rain and heavy winds superglued to the glidescope. I'm just that good

Break out of the clouds like a Phoenix. Lights blazing. Engines wailing. Wings knifing

Fiddy. Foddy. Tharty. Tonty. Touchdown. Retard. Retard.

Softer than baby bums

Taxi. Jetbridge. Shutdown. APU humming

I am the Lord of the Skies that defied the Wrath of the Wind and Water(TM)

We are the only movement in the last six hours

Ramp rats fall on their knees and prostrate in respect. Ground controller is talking in tongues

Purser hands me my coat and hat. Orderly picks up my luggage and respectfully falls back five feet

Stylishly burn through a 555 as we march towards immigration and customs

Grounded Pax and crew are in awe, mouths agape

Look down upon the lesser machines and the lower-order primates too afraid of a little rain to fly them

Darkies in uniforms nod and wave us through. They don't feel worthy to address us today

Meet outbound Captain in crew lounge. Exchange Air Force stories. Independent thought escapes his co-pilot, who expresses concern about weather

Gets death stare and a "I used to walk to school four miles in three feet of snow in two below temps. Uphill. Both ways" Air Force story from his Captain

(You know the one, "Took off with only one engine from a cliffside grass strip at 8000ft MSL in a blinding blizzard, 30kt crosswinds under heavy AAA fire")

Pish-posh old chap. A bit of drizzle

 

2030 Ride to Hotel

Traffic parts as crew bus whisks us to hotel

Bellhop carts my luggage (five feet behind me) through the lobby

Men try to hide their women, but it is too late. Stare, sploosh and swoon

Warm Brandy, a Knowing Smile and the Breakfast of Victory awaits

 

'Tis Good to be The Pilot

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