Closed doors (long)

I have been adding to this regularly. It has just become kind of a therapy thing for me. So, I get if no one reads it. If you do, I'm open to comments and suggestions. If not, thank you for your time.

About 4 months ago, the (39f)woman (37m)I love of 10 years went from "I love you" to "I'm blocking you" in the span of a week. In a text at that. I have tried reaching out to her, but received only venom in return. She was my life, my happiness, my fiancee, and my drive. The back story is long, and while I would love support and ideas, I don't really expect anyone to read this or care. I just have no friends, nor am I good at making them. So, this is the only Avenue I can think of to try, nor am I a good writer. Also, this is on my phone, so sorry if I miss any autocorrects. So, here goes, it will be long, but, as this is more because I don'tknow what to do, understanding would require a good amount knowledge of me. While this is long, sadly, it's only scratching the surface. I suffer from depression and anxiety. In the military is was diagnosed with Bpd. I have never been popular or had many friends. I try here and there to make them, I usually wind up being the target for people to make fun of. It has become a place in life where I just fit in. The doctor said my depression will never go away, and all I can try to do is mitigate. To start, I was conceived due to my mom's depression. While I was due in December, she decided to force labor in Oct. Unfortunately, I lived. When I was 13, my parents divorced over drugs. Both were in a bad place. My dad told me if I didn't go with him, he would kill himself. So, being a child, I chose to live with him. At that point, we moved around to the point due to his contract labor, I went to 17 highs schools. Making friends became impossible.
Because he was strung out. He was making me pay rent to live at home at 16. My mom would not let me go with her because she was bitter. So, went to school and worked full time. Until I turned18, and joined the military 5 days later. In the military, people come and go all the time. So, I didn't make friends because, well, I was used to that. However, I wound up being made fun of regularly . Mainly because I liked to read dungeons and dragons books to escape reality. I went out and met a woman, who I dated for 3 months before making the mistake of marriage. While I was out to sea, her and her boyfriend cleaned out my life savings of about $30,000. I flew home for us to transfer unawares to "here's the keys to your truck, I want a divorce, goodbye." I moved because I had to. And met a girl who thought it was a fun game to mess with me. Cheating and coming back crying. Because of this, I used to sleep with a loaded shotgun pointed at my head. Finally, one night, I was getting drunk and ready when. When I had the gun in my mouth, someone walked in, and called the cops. So I spent a while in the hospital. I then met a different woman who got pregnant. So, I married her (46f)so she would have insurance for the baby. Which was my oldest daughter. The wife quickly got pregnant again and had my son just before I was out of the Navy. She was from Texas, so when I got out, after 7 years in, we moved to Indiana. In the need to find work, I took a truck driving job, where I received a letter in the mail that I had a 10 year old son. Long story short, the girl who took my virginity had gotten pregnant and never told me. I was hammered with support and much back support, putting me in a position where I lost everything. The woman only wanted the money, and while I get I did the deed, after 10 years, I had made many choices this knowledge would have impacted greatly. The wife, knowing I loved my children, would then cheat on me regularly, always threatening to take my kids away to texas if I didn't like it. By this point, I made little working in customer service. So, I couldn't afford a lawyer. And in Indiana, men never get the kids. So, she did whatever she wanted, virtually holding me hostage to my kids. Then, I met this (39f)woman. We became best friends. She was engaged to someone outside the country. We would sit and talk for hours. We did everything together, and our kids did things together. We actually had everything in common. Her new husband, wound up being a lazy mommas boy. And while she tried over the next couple of years , he just couldn't be motivated to…do anything. She then while I didn't notice, started doing things for me like dying her hair blonde. Her and I decided to try to make better futures, so we went to ITT together. After class, always talking for hours. At this point we had known each other for roughly 6 years. One night however, it hit me. Where I accidentally told her I loved her. I knew I thought it, I guess, in a way where it wasn't my active thought, but, I guess I didn't realize how powerful it was.
Some back story on her. She grew up being made fun of also, suffered from depression, and had a rather uncaring mother. Her first husband who fathered her children abused her, and the second took advantage. When I tried to make more friends, she got upset. So when I talked to her about it, she preferred it to just be us. Once I understood, I complied. More people meant more chances of getting hurt. Once she felt someone hurt her, nothing mattered, they were the enemy. Over this time, there was never a time she called me for help i didn't come running. I actually liked helping her. Seeing her smile, just…made me feel good. From helping her find a place to live, to mowing her lawn because her husband couldn't be bothered. I never once told her no. After I told her I loved her (call her k), with my wife being pregnant again, things changed. She told me she loved me. We spent hours discussing it. Like fate brought us together . The wife, who had had more boyfriends, one who's wife got her fired I believe got pregnant on purpose so I wouldn't leave. I work, I pay bills, and I have nothing I can do about it. I talked to the wife, and she agreed to let her move in for a 3 way relationship. K then left her husband who moved back home, and moved in with her and her kids. This was not a bad thing until the wife got jealous. I spent my time with k, letting her do what she wanted, but anytime I was happy, it made the wife upset. So, eventually things bored over and k moved out and in with her mother. The wife went back to her "other" friends while still threatening me regularly. The relationship with k became mostly by phone and weekends since she was now an hour away. Also complicated with poor Internet at her mom's, so messages didn't always get through. Sometimes having to send multiple before she would get the notice. This continued for a couple of years. Though, any time she told me she needed me I was there. Bringing her and her kids with us anytime me and my kids did anything. Hell, if she wanted anything, I would jump through hoops to try to make it happen. To be honest, anything that made her smile, made my day. Our love, and friendship was what kept me going. K also became attached to my youngest.
Before my daughter came, this year I was planning for a divorce as my kids would be old enough to choose. And support for my son ended. However, a couple of lawyers told me a judge won't split the kids, so she would get them. Then I wouldn't be able to stop her from moving back to texas. So, in March, k told me things needed to change, and she gave me some rules. Like no "relations" with the wife. I think I understood what she was wanting. So I came up with a plan to give her what she wanted. K was going through some rough times. I had to give her what she wanted without stressing her out. So, I didn't tell her about it. I spent the next six months in solitude in the bedroom. The wife sleeps in the den. I needed to do a few things. Make it easier on the kids to move away from me by making them indifferent towards me. Make it easier on me by getting used to not talking to them so much. Then buy time for support for the other child to end. While having time to talk to a lawyer, and start preparing for a divorce. I checked with k regularly in order to be sure we were good. For I was going stir crazy. I ended up stressing out k. I didn't realize that even though I grew up alone, how much being around her regularly meant to me. Right at a time when her work and kids made seeing each other difficult. I'm sure I was driving her insane. I was trying to protect her, and in doing so screwed up. I got jealous she was talking to her ex husband. Jealous over trying to get time with her.
She was having trouble with the relationship with her son, problems at her underemployed job, car problems, problems with money, among other things. So I set out and worked on getting her a job that would have started last week that would have paid double what she was making. In August, support was over, I set up a date with her. I had this big dinner planned. Ready to tell her everything, ready to tell her I was about to give her everything she asked me for. I was as excited as anyone can be. She canceled the first time because her son wanted to do something with her. Since she was working on building a relationship with him, I got that. The next week was my son's birthday, which I checked everything with her. She promised everything was fine, that she was ready for us to finally be together, and she loved me and we made love. So I made plans for the next weekend with her, for telling her everything. A couple of days later, I got into it with a lady from work to the point we were yelling. I went to smoke to calm down, with a text telling me she was canceling because her son just made his first girlfriend and her family invited her over for dinner. I screwed up. I called and asked if she was blowing me off again. She hung up. So I screwed up again and called back like 20 times. Finally, we talked. I apologized. Then, that Sunday, we're were texting and she just disappeared. I sent a few messages over a few hours tryingto reach her. One, my youngest wanted to talk to her, two, I wanted to tell her about a show, and 3, I wanted to remake plans to tell her about everything, that everything she asked me for was coming true. I woke up to a text, that I was smothering her, and that she was done with me and blocking me. I was lost. I tried to explain, but was blocked before I could. We had been best friends for 10 years. Lovers for 4. And all I got was a text. I tried emailing from a couple of different addresses. Sending flowers. She told me to fuck off, and stop being a stalker.
I let the wife read my emails to her. So she understands I will no longer be held hostage. However, k never either read them or cared. She just went 180°. I've never let before. It only meant pain. She said I was a manipulating controlling jerk. But, I never didn't do anything she asked. Ever. I wasn't allowed to question her, so, I just complied. I didn't mind, except like anyone, I can get emotional, and at times had trouble not asking questions. Her love was worth it. We used to sit and talk all night. About anything and everything. We would sit on the porch, and talk from sundown to sunup. She became part of me. Part of my every thought. We had everything in common. Most people thought she was my wife. When we were physically together, the world was good. She was going to be my only support in losing my kids. Now, I sit here, having given up everything for her, and she will never probably speak to me again. I love her. I wasn't depressed when she was around. I have no friends. I have no outlets that don't make me think of her. I have nothing. I never got to tell her, because I wanted to protect her. My depression has drove me back to drinking. I can't afford therapy. I don't have anyone in the world who cares.
If anyone actually read this. I'm the type that "everything will work out" is just empty words. Fate I believe meant for me to be with her. I no longer know what to do, or how to continue. All doors are closed. I can't seem to find an open door anywhere. I'm broken. I'm worthless. I'm having trouble finding reasons to not end it. I wasn't supposed to survive being born anyways. My life insurance would help set the kids for life. She was everything to me. After a lifetime of being made fun of, people hurting me, she broke through and made me feel human. Now, this is gone. No explanation, on a text. I must be worthless to throw away that easy.

This is just more details. Adding on as I go. Maybe someone can help me. Or, maybe my story will make someone else feel better about their situation. Either way, I'm laying it all out there.

The job.

I explained earlier that k also suffered from depression. She did the cutting thing. I won't say I don't understand as over the last few months, I have considered it. We spent a lot of time discussing our depression. Going over the ups and downs. She had been mistreated by family and the men in her life. I made her a promise to not be on that list. 

When we worked at the same place, we made one hell of a team. She always had the best evaluations. Right up until our new auditor made a mistake, took it to our new boss, who was prone to jumping the gun before understanding the situation. So she was let go. This crushed her confidence. While I was able to later research and show it was an error on their part, it was too little too late. Then she had a period of unemployment, being turned down for various positions. As I watched her fall apart, all I could do was comfort her. Always reminding her how awesome she was. Though, she quickly became numb to me telling her so. Then she took a position as a security guard just to pay the bills. Totally underemployed. All I again could do was try to remain positive for her. Reminding her how amazing she was. However, she started to reach the point where she felt like it was the best she could do. Knowing she can run circles around most everyone in almost any type of analytical work, it was not easy to watch. A few months later, I was let go for much the same reason. I got lucky and found a good position in production logistics analytics. While she was happy for me, well, you know.
Then she called me up telling me she was done with her current job due to b.s. she was dealing with. Then she was fine with it. Then she was done again. I didn't know whether to push or what. Push too much, she would get angry. Don't push, I'm not helping. She means the world to me. Not an easy spot to be in. Honestly, she's better than me at everything. So, after I had been here for a while, I just happened to report to a plant manager. While I'm on good terms with the other plant manager. I'm also good at my job. So when I told them I knew someone better, they were very interested. However, she doesn't think she interviews well. So, I worked out something awesome with my plant managers. They would help her resume, then give her a "mock" interview to help her out. Let's just say , the job paid much better, and it was hers. This was part of what I was working on that I never got to tell her was set up. She would have started today on January 3rd.
I work for great people, so while it's a fast paced job due to "just in time " production. So the job especially since its a larger corporation really a diamond in the rough. Not to mention, you literally decide your hours based on your responsibilities. Making things like doctor visits easy. With full benefits from day one. This was huge since when support for my kids kicked in, I wanted us to be able to support ourselves without having to scrape by. Also, allowing us to do things for her kids and mine.

Anxiety. When we started school, she had major anxiety issues with being in a small room with a bunch of people. So, I had to work hard to make her focus on me, and not the room. My issue is the same yet different, as I have trouble with moving masses. Like the mall is overwhelming to me with tons of people going all different directions. She was the only one who ever helped through things like this. Keeping me focused on her.
My other issues are more like just missing her. In ten years, we hadn't ever been not around each other for a full week. She was my …..Center. when she was around, my back pain stopped, and I could relax. She was amazing.

The move out The night she moved out was a messy night. The wife had been pushing her to find someone else. So, she started talking with a guy several states away. K was very…inebriated. My daughter admittedly rudely, read some stuff over her shoulder.
She yelled at her and went downstairs. I was told something was up. When I asked, all she yelled out the door was for her kids to get in the car. So, I busted the door open to stop this. I was not going to let her drive, especially with the kids in the car while wasted. I argued with her to call her mom. When I went to stop her, she went off (I don't blame her, the wife made the situation unbearable) and started hitting me. So, I grabbed her and held her through biting me enough to leave a mark for years. I let her up when she agreed to call for a ride. I was probably wrong here, but, I was worried about people I loves safety. Her memory of the night is completely different, as I held her against her will. She just wanted to wait in the car for her mom whom she said she had already texted. She didn't tell me at the time, nor did her mom when I called her. But, I guess I was wrong? This was the only physical encounter. To be honest, I was amazed at myself. I think I would have lost it with anyone else in this world. This by the way, made me realize how much I love her.

The ex 

I don't know why, but I would get jealous when she would talk to her ex. He's half a world away. So I get I'm being dumb. But, it was still painful to me. She didn't understand why, I couldn't explain, so it was a running issue. While he was not husband material, she did want to be friends with him. Have to admit, I can't be all wrong here, since she found it so easy to get rid of me.

No one will probably read this much. But, I want to get everything out there. Again, there is more, but, I'm having trouble typing this because my anxiety has me shaking. I wish I could erase her from my memory. I just don't know how.

The bubble. She has a personal bubble that she lets very few people in to. I get this as I have it too. If you see her in general, she would prefer you just pretend she didn't exist. I also usually feel the same here. Our bubbles, oddly seemed attracted to each other. We could both deal with someone when we were together. Split us up, and it was right back to square one.

The breakdown At one point, I had reached my breaking point. Now, I'm used to back pain from anxiety. It's become part of my life. There however was a time I just completely snapped. I don't remember much but crying. Expect that at one point, and Angel showed up and took me in her arms. The pain stopped. Problems stopped. The world was a new place. When I realized it was k, I knew at that moment, all movies and stuff aside, she was the one. The you wait a lifetime for. The one who is that other half of everything wrong with you. She also had a moment like this, and wrote me a letter expressing fate, and that I was hers forever. I agreed and she had me promise to stick by this. I did, and I will say I have never broke a promise to her.


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