[Long] Over 2 years Ive watched myself become a fat, lazy, depressed shit…I need to fix it
Tl;dr ghosted by fiance, lost my job and career opportunites. Spent 18 months drinking myself stupid every free minute. Need to fix myself.
Hey Reddit. I need to talk to someone. I need help. I need to change.
I guess Ill tell you guys everything starting from the original cause of this situation.
It started when I was 20, I was a junior in college and at the top of my ROTC. I got a Misdemeanor for a college party fight and being that this was in 2010 during sequestration, the Army killed my scholarship and kicked me from the program. Due to the contract requirements, I had to pay back the tuition assistance that they paid me, which amounted to 80,000 dollars back then.
That sucked, but I quickly got over it and dove headfirst into Muay Thai and MMA, a longtime passion of mine. Over a few months I forged myself into a completely new person. Met a woman, she was 14 years older than me but I fell in love with her. Fast forward 1.5 years and her and her and I have been dating for about a year. A great person, kind hearted and caring and with a love for martial arts that we share. Im in grad school now, fighting in the ring regularly, six pack abs and spend 20 hours a week in the gym, and I follow an extremely strict diet. I worked a shit warehouse job, but I was able to pay my bills and buy a reward for myself every now and again. I smoke a bowl every night and love life, despite the mountain of debt, I was content.
Eventually she left me. But I completely understood why. She had kids across the country that she wanted to be with. It hurt seeing her go, but I had closure and reason, and we split on good terms.
Her departure only led to me becoming even more focused on myself, and I fervently worked through my online classes and on my Muay Thai hobby. I got my Master's and started to get some major fights in front of bid crowds.
Then I met her. The woman that Id always dreamed of. A personal trainer who was a mirror image of me. Long dark hair with a shining smile, smart as a whip, caring, fucking hilarious when she joked. I fell in love quickly.
A couple of years went by. I got my Master's degree and I had crafted myself into a machine. A hard body with a confidence and determination that could break walls. Honestly, at this point in my life I was shredded and able to put in 4-5 hours at the gym, doing crazy shit like 250+ burpees, krav sit ups , sparring for hours, etc. I had molded myself into everything that I admired. Eventually I was approached by a big player in fight promotions, they told me that they were impressed and that I could fight professionally if I kept going the way I was. I have always loved fighting, but had never considered going pro, Ive always wanted my life to be about service to my community and country. But it was a great back up plan and opportunity that I considered.
I started to search for a career where I could use my degree – its really only useful for Law Enforcement or in government. But guess what? That 80,000 dollar debt has been building interest, and at this point is roughly $100,000. Well, fuck, I can't get hired until I fix that. I also acknowledge that most of these jobs require a drug test, so I decide to go ahead and quit smoking weed and get clean before I resume applying. So I started to work more hours, trying to push that number down. To have the energy to work more hours and stay in the gym I needed more energy, so I needed more stimulants…I picked up nictotine. At the same time, the weed was the only thing letting me get sleep at night, the only thing that would let me relax and quiet my mind enough to drift off. The only thing that I could do to get a similar sense of peace is be drunk…
I was ready to marry Megan. She was the type of woman who I had always hoped to find. Someone who was happy to play beer pong with my friends or go to Easter Lunch with my grandma even if she was an atheist. I was going to propose and give her everything I could. But in one month everything collapsed around me.
I was scheduled to fight twice – once at the beginning of the month, and once at the end. I was amped. It was supposed to be my entrance to the pros, where I could truly make some extra money and get rid of those debts, land a real career, and make my life…but those extra hours at work, those extra beers at night…they taught me humility. I went into the first fight fatter than the fights before, slower, less energy. I was TKOd by a shot to the liver in the 2nd round.
That sucked, but I shrugged it off. Oh well, back to work and back to gym. The next weekend Megan leaves for a weekend camping trip with girlfriends. Thats cool…except the weekend goes by and I havent heard a word from her. I text her, nothing, I call, ignored. I find out that Im blocked on facebook, twitter, i go to her place and knock, she wont answer. I have zero contact with her, she completely ghosted me and I have no idea why. Im already starting to break. Why would someone do this to a person who loved them?
Two weeks go by and I dont hear from her. Second fight comes up. Ive been stressing out like a mother fucker, havent been in the gym. I get fucking wrecked. 22 stiches in my forehead and a knockout later, I said goodbye to my chances at a pro career as well. 4 months later I found out what happened to Megan. Apparently on that trip she slept with one of her girlfriends, and decided that she liked that better. She completely fucking ghosted me insteaf of being upfront and honest…if anyone reading has ever ghosted a significant other, fuck everything about you. You have no fucking idea how bad that hurts. It isnt just like they forget about you over time. No, it fucking makes them question themselves, always wondering whats wrong with them, what they did wrong. It fucking crushes all of their self confidence. Its fucking vile
Sorry, got a bit emotional typing this…anyway, thats when I started sliding downhill with no chance to stop. I stopped training altogether. I got to work late and hung over. I just fucking hurt so bad and the only way I could stop aching was to drown it in booze. My boss at the warehouse noticed. He let me go…
No job, no fiance, no career opportunities, no income. I lost my apartment. I moved to a new city and lived with my brother, hoping for a change. After 9 months of staying clean of smoking I still couldnt land a career. And with no money I couldnt train. It was perpetual disappoubtment until finally found work…as a security guard.
Ive spent the last 6 months of my life as a fucking security guard with a Master's degree, what the fuck is this bullshit? Its fucking killing me Reddit.
But whats killing me more is this fucking mountain of guilt and shame. This fucking 40oz of Steel Reserve Im about to finish. I cant fucking look at myself in the mirror anymore, Reddit. Im a fat, lazy fucking slob. Those abs I forged for years have wasted into a nasty hairy fucking blob. I work a shitty job and the women I meet look at me with disgust instead of admiration like I once saw. I live in a dirty assed apartment complex with roaches and hookers. I fucking hate my life.
But what I hate most is the two problems that keep me from fixing my life. Alcohol and tobacco. Every fucking night I need 2 40s of Steel Reserve or half a bottle of whiskey to fall asleep. And every day I need some nasty ass copenhagen to stay awake. Its fucking insanity. Its like I cant function at all without something altering my mind or body…I fucking cant keep doing this Reddit. But my body says I have to. Its not even a fucking choice anymore. Ill walk into a gas station to get a Monster, and ill walk out with a tall boy and a can of chew instead, its fucking autopilot.
I always looked down on people with addictions when I was my own master…this shit has taught me humility. But I need to beat it. Honestly, I wish that I could just go back to smoking weed to fall asleep instead. I would do anything just go get back onto a productive path and away from this destructiv one. But i dont know anyone to get it from in Phoenix. And I dont know what else can truly help… Reddit, I need to fix myself. I need to kill these addictions and I need to start good habits again. I dont want the rest of my life to be like this…